WASHINGTON, D.C. — The FBI has opened a new investigation into whether or not the Trump campaign illegally tried to buy votes in Wisconsin, in the weeks after former Vice President Joe Biden won a tightly contested presidential election. In a truly unforeseen and unprecedented twist, FBI agents are looking into whether the votes Trump bought in Wisconsin were for Biden, and not himself.
“The bottom line is that Joe Biden had a certain number of votes in Wisconsin,” one source with knowledge of the investigation told us, “and then three million bucks were exchanged, and the next thing we know, Biden’s vote count went up. So it would seem, at least from the outset, that somebody bought votes for Biden in Wisconsin.”
Since losing last month, outgoing President Trump has attacked the election as a “fraud.” However, when pressed in court, under penalty of perjury, his legal team has yet to offer any evidence to back up their claims. Many of Trump’s legal efforts have been savaged by the very judges he helped Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell pack the federal benches with as lacking merit. One such case was just tossed out of Pennsylvania court.
“Elections are the bedrock of our democratic institutions,” our source told us, “so any reports of irregularities, or worse yet, naked corruption, such as buying votes for candidates, should be taken extremely seriously and fully vetted.”
Whether or not any evidence is turned up that the Trump campaign bought more votes for Biden in Wisconsin, his efforts to forestall the inevitable don’t seem to have a limit. Now, word is that Trump has started to put pressure on Republicans in congress to harangue their states’ legislatures about possibly installing their own slate of electors when the Electoral College meets this month to certify the results. However, the Supreme Court ruled just this summer that states can eject “faithless” electors and replace them with ones beholden to their states’ popular vote count, so it’s unclear how far those efforts might go.
“The truth is that the president is so desperate, he may try to declare the Constitution a Never Trumper coup and just sit his portly ass in the chair behind the Resolute Desk until he’s physically dragged out of the White House,” our source posited, “so you just never know. But he does seem intent on proving that two plus two equals Big Mac, and that’s where his mindset will likely stay until the bitter, tear soaked end.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.