Sunday, February 28, 2021

White House Engineers Preparing to Remove Baby Gates and Bumper Rails

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In just a matter of days, a new president will be sworn-in, and all over the Hill, preparations are being made for the transfer of power, including at the White House itself.

Any time there is a change in who the country calls its chief executive, there are certain changes and updates that the White House undergoes. Reagan dismantled Carter’s solar energy panels because nothing says “American freedom” like proudly declaring your opposition to science. President Nixon famously had bowling lanes installed in the White House, and just this week it was announced that the incoming administration has asked the outgoing one to dismantle the fully functional McDonald’s kitchen that they installed back in 2017.

“The man who lived here in the White House and played lots of golf at his own golf resorts while acting like he cared about being president was chemically addicted to a potent cocktail of McNugget dipping sauce and Big Mac special sauce,” White House Assistant Deputy Physician Dr. Kimberly Reed told reporters today. “As such, we felt at the time that his withdrawals put him in such a terrible mood that it could endanger the peace and stability of the planet, and we prescribed him a full-blown McDonald’s kitchen so he could have his nuggies and Big Mac whenever he pleased.” (NotReally.News)

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In the coming days, White House engineers will also start dismantling and removing the baby gates and bumper rails that the current administration had installed.

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“Because the man who has been play-acting as president for the last four years, as everyone knows,” White House Lead Engineer John Booshkoovy told reporters today, “is essentially an overgrown toddler in an ill-fitting suit, we quickly determined that much of the White House would have to be baby proofed. So we put up gates and bumper rails and made sure all the outlets that weren’t in use had plugs in them.”

Once the gates are down, they’ll be preserved for history. Most presidents in the modern age have established a presidential library to house artifacts from their time in office. The current occupant is discussing opening a presidential Hooters franchise.

“Whether it’s a library, a Hooters restaurant, or a truck stop in Florida,” Booshkoovy said, “we’ll make sure the presidential baby gates are well-packed and preserved for wherever their ultimate destination ends up being.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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