Friday, November 26, 2021

U.S. Marshalls Begin Checking Under Bridges for Steve Bannon

Former Trump campaign manager and White House adviser Steve Bannon is hiding out from the bipartisan January 6th Committee, refusing to be served a subpoena that would compel him to testify. It’s long been suspected that Bannon, one of Don Trump’s closest political allies, had advance knowledge of the failed coup carried out by pro-MAGA American domestic terrorists on January 6th, 2021, but Bannon has indicated he will take Trump’s advice and simply hide away, attempting to stymie efforts to serve him the documents in question.

The committee, which is made up of several Democrats and two prominent Republicans, referred Bannon for criminal contempt charges. This morning, U.S. Marshalls announced they have begun a search for Bannon.

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“Just before dawn, we mobilized several tactical search and recon units, tasked with checking under every bridge in America,” Sgt. John Slaughter told reporters at a press conference today.

“That’s where you look for bridge trolls; under bridges. Even Nazi bridge trolls. They all want to live under a bridge. So, given that Mr. Bannon is, in fact, a Nazi bridge troll, we put two and two together, and decided we’d start our search for him under each and every bridge we can find. We’re confident we’ll find him eventually.”

Should authorities fail to discover Bannon’s bridge-based hideout, they have other theories as to where he might be located, Slaughter divulged.

“Trolls live under bridges, that much is true. However, pieces of shit live in the sewer, so given that Mr. Bannon is a piece of shit Nazi bridge troll, we’ll also comb the sewers for him,” Slaughter said.

“One way or the other, we’ll smoke him out. If we can’t find the bridge he’s sleeping under, or the sewer system he was flushed down, we’ll attach a cheeseburger to a string and lead him into the place he goes to when he wants to publicly masturbate. The Holocaust Memorial Museum probably won’t mind us arresting a modern day Nazi in their lobby, right?”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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