COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — This week, conservatives and Trump supporters on Twitter began panicking when they started to notice their follower counts drop significantly. Others were locked out of their accounts and forced to verify their contact information. While Twitter has yet to release an official statement, it is widely suspected that a purge of “bots,” accounts programmed to behave like real human beings, is underway.
It’s largely assumed, based on circumstantial, anecdotal, and observed evidence that the bots being purged belong to parties that wanted to influence the 2016 presidential election. Twitter itself has admitted that thousands and thousands of these automated accounts sprung up on their platform, and that they seemed to be part of the large Russian operation that the American intelligence community believes attempted to hack and influence the election in President Donald Trump’s favor.
The hashtag #TwitterLockout has started, with a large number of conservative users incensed at their loss of “followers.” Many claim that it is not a purge of bots, but of actual conservative people. Jethro Bohiggins, a popular alt-right blogger, YouTube performer, and part-time fry cook at his local Dairy Queen, told his podcast audience today that he believes bots, not humans, are being purged, but he called them “true botriots” and said that he believes he knows where they are being taken and held against their will.
“This could not be any easier to figure out, fam,” Bohiggins claimed. “Clearly, and I mean this could not be any clearer than it is, Barack Obama ordered Twitter to have the bots purged and moved to his FEMA camps. There is literally no other possible explanation. I mean, there are other possible explanations, but they’re crazy. Like, maybe they’re just a bunch of weaponized propaganda spewing algorithms and they only add to the noise of discussion, and they were used to help attack our elections. But that sounds fucking SUPER insane.”
Bohiggins researched his show noted from 2015, and that’s when he put the pieces together.
“Operation Jade Helm, anyone remember that? It was, I believe, just a few months before the Bowling Green Massacre,” Bohiggins said. “Which of course we now know is related to #TwitterLockout. Basically, Obama ordered the Jade Helm unit to move into Texas and plant strategic electronic devices that scan the country’s computer networks, and starting in 2016, they started gathering the names of bots, good botriots like @Ten_GOP and @NazisAreCoolButLiberalsShouldDie, @FuckBrownPeople, and @DonaldJTrumpJr. And so it only stands to reason they were taken to one place once they were rounded up, the same place Obama stashed all our guns he done stoleded, fam!”
FEMA camps all over the country are now full to capacity with illegally confiscated “liberty lobbers” and Russian bots, Jethro believes, and he hopes President Trump fixes the situation immediately.
“We all know Obama was gonna put us in those same camps and force us to gay marry one another,” Jethro said. “But thank God Trump and Big Daddy Uncle Vlad put a stop to Killary taking over, because she would’ve not only purged us from Twitter, she would have Benghazi’d us at the same time!”
Former President Obama could not be reached for comment.