Sunday, February 28, 2021

The President of the United States is No Longer Banned from Twitter

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — Twitter announced just after 12:00pm Eastern Time that the President of the United States is no longer permabanned from Twitter.

“While every single lifetime ban we put into place over the last few days and weeks will remain in place, the man who is the actual President of the United States is no longer permanently banned from Twitter,” this morning’s statement from the microblogging platform stated. “While the official head of the United States’ executive branch of government was, sadly, kicked off our site forever, it’s gratifying to know there was a way for us to get the President of the United States back on Twitter, and all we had to do was wait for him to take the oath of office.”

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Twitter warned the president, however, that his @POTUS account doesn’t come with “unlimited powers” and that all of his accounts will still be subject to Twitter’s terms of service.

“The president should be warned, however, that despite what it may have looked like in the past, Twitter does in fact have rules that it enforces on every use, even the most powerful man in the free world,” Twitter wrote.

There are some ways that the president can avoid having his account kicked off Twitter, too.

“The president should feel free to tweet eighteen thousand times a day, and should in particular focus his tweets on TV ratings, which reporters are enemies of the people, and generally sowing chaos and division throughout the country,” Twitter suggested. “He can also stoke white nationalist outrage ad nauseum.”

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But the president cannot simply tweet anything he’d like; there are rules.

“Lying repeatedly about things other than the election is, of course, just fine. However, should the president engage in lying about the election, after four years of destroying everything he could in service to his ego,” Twitter wrote, “then, finally, we’ll probably do something. Maybe.”

The president didn’t actually tweet or comment on this story because he’s a real adult again.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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