WASHINGTON, D.C. — The President of the United States was permanently kicked off all the major social media platforms last week, and according to several sources close to him, he’s not handling it well at all.
“The president has taken to writing out 280 character lies, conspiracy theories, and brags, and has started to just randomly call his supporters to scream them into the phone,” one White House staffer told us on the condition of anonymity and turkey jerky. “He’s going really stir crazy not being able to lie about the election to a massive audience. Although, you’d think that as the sitting president that he’d figure out he can get a lot more attention than Twitter gives him just be, you know, being the president. Oh well.”
When Twitter finally decided to pull the plug on his “@realDonaldTrump” account, the president had amassed nearly 90 million followers. Notably, however, he was still quite far behind the follower count of his predecessor, Barack Obama, who at the time of publication has almost 128 million followers. It’s unclear just how man of Trump’s followers were bots and/or his sons pretending to be different people supporting their father, in an attempt to get him to finally say he loves them.
“It’s taking him quite a long time to call the millions of people who were following him individually, but he’s got enough Adderall that he should be able to call a few thousand people an hour, if he keeps the calls short,” the staffer explained. “Luckily, it doesn’t take that much time to scream 280 characters’ worth of racist lies and propaganda about stolen elections, so he can really turn and burn those calls if he feels like it.”
Shortly after having his personal account banned, Trump tried to use the official U.S. government account “@POTUS” to blast Twitter and he implied that he might start his own social media company. During a conference call with investors this morning, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey addressed that situation.
“Obviously none of us really take it as a threat, that he’d start his own social media company,” Dorsey said. “I mean, I don’t think Harvard ever felt threatened by Trump University. I don’t think anyone thought Trump Ice would put Evian or Fiji Water out of business. We’ll be just fine once Trump-Twitt, or whatever he’ll call it, launches…if it ever gets off the ground to begin with.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.