SWILLY CORN, VALLEY — This weekend, Trump policy and deadbeat dad-ism advisor Jason Miller made news when he announced on weekend talk shows that his boss, former President Donald Trump, will be debuting his own social media platform in a matter of weeks to months. Miller gave no real concrete details as to the planning, funding, or logistics of Trump’s social media site, but buzz among his pro-MGA supporters and death cult was quite high as a result of Miller’s announcement.
This morning, Mr. Miller broke further news when he told America that their former president wasn’t just going to launch a new social media platform after having been knocked off all the mainstream ones; Trump is going to launch “Qoogle,” his own search engine, soon.
“On Qoogle, people will be able to search with the peace of mind, knowing that their search results will always be pro-MAGA first, and if it’s possible, also accurate,” Miller announced. “Of course, if the so-called facts do not line up with what we FEEL are the facts, then Qoogle will give you a space that’s safe to feel your feelings without those facts hurting them.”
Qoogle is being designed to be a “one stop shop” for MAGA-ists who don’t want to use more traditional search engines. Miller said that his boss’s supporters “deserve a place on the Internet where they feel safe and coddled, and all their delusions are treated as fact.” Qoogle will be designed so that no matter what the user searched for, the results displayed paint Trump in the best light possible, and in no way pierce the veil of reality to show users facts, truth, or unbiased information.
“When you search, for example, who won the election last year,” Miller said, “it will show you the sixteen hour documentary the MyPillow Guy made about how voting systems were hacked by the ghosts of Hugo Chavez and Karl Marx under direct orders from George Soros. If you go looking for sexy pictures of sexy women, you’ll be taken right to Ivanka’s OnlyFams account.”
When launched, Qoogle will feature special sections like Google does for news and images, however even those sections will be curated by Donald Trump Jr, to ensure that no shocking truths are revealed to those looking for information from Trump’s search engine.
“The news section will only have stories written by Dan Bongino’s white nationalist, Kermit the Frog voiced fact checker and propagandist Matty ‘BlameTheFirst’ Palumbo and pizzagaters like Mike Thernovich and Jack Posobiec, that is when Jack isn’t out looking for strange puss while his pregnant wife is at home of course.”
Qoogle will launch sometime later this summer, according to a full-page ad in the latest edition of Stormfront.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.