FART-A-LOTGO, FLORIDA — Last year, former President Donald Trump — who only served one term, was impeached twice, and left office with the lowest approval ratings of any man who ever held the office — suggested at one point that Americans could consider injecting themselves with bleach if they contracted COVID-19. Now, what that same man calls his brain has vomited up another theory, one that — according to sources close to him — he believes in just as much as his postulations on injectable household cleaning products.
He’s ready to share that theory with the world.
“I would say, Jack, that at minimum I have a 115% chance of being reinstated as president. Minimum. One-hundred-and-fifteen-percent,” former President Trump told Jack Posobiec on OAN this morning. “By the way, I still chuckle at your Rape Melania gag. People should totally google ‘Rape Melania + Jack Posobiec’ to find out what a hilarious pro-MAGA troll you really are. At any rate, I — or at the very least David Dennison or John Barron — will be president again. Bigly soon.”
Trump said that his belief is based largely on the fact that he’s been told it can happen by lawyers he has retained.
“There is no way all the lawyers I promise I’ll pay lots of money to would just tell me what I want to hear! That’s fake news,” Trump insisted. “I mean, sure, they don’t know I’m gonna stiff them eventually, but that doesn’t mean they’re just cynically taking money from a washed-up, racist, wannabe dictator and reality-TV game show host does it? Next, you’ll tell me wanting to bang my own daughter shows I’m not really the moral man the evangelicals think I am!”
During the interview, Trump claimed that several “high officials” have phoned him recently to tell him that they support his efforts to become president without being elected.
“Very high officials, even, Jack. People like Margie Taylor Greene,” Trump said. “Margie’s as high as they come. In fact, I’ve never been around Margie when she isn’t high as a kite. On crack. Because she smokes crack. I’m saying she’s a crackhead, Jack. Are you following?”
Before ending the interview, Trump stated a few more of his beliefs.
“Jack, I have a lot of beliefs. Some say I have the most beliefs of anyone that’s ever believed anything,” Trump claimed. “For instance — I believe that I’m a good businessman. Particularly when it comes to casinos, steaks, bottled waters, and for profit universities. I believe that six trillion illegal Mexicans voted for Hillary in 2016, and prolly triple that number for Sleepy Ko-Keepy-Bo-Beepy Biden. I believe that Sum41 is the greatest punk band of all time, and I believe, deep down, that Gina Carano is a great and believable actress who gives non-wooden performances.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.