Trump Orders Washington NFL Team To Offer Chief Wahoo Mascot Job

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week, the Cleveland Indians baseball team announced that they would be abandoning their longtime logo and mascot, Chief Wahoo. For years, Native American groups have advocated the removal of Wahoo from the Indians’ branding, which they argue is nothing more than callback to racist stereotypes and that Wahoo diminishes the genocide of natives during the 19th century.  This morning, President Trump signed an executive order dictating that Wahoo be given the chance to be another professional sports team’s mascot — this time, for the Washington NFL football team.

According to local Cleveland lore, Chief Wahoo was created either in 1932 or 1947, and the answer you get depends on who you ask. However, over time native rights groups have balked at the use of mascots depicting their people as Wahoo is depicted. It’s argued that Chief Wahoo is a cartoon caricature of an extremely racist stereotype of Native Americans. For years, groups have lobbied the Indians and other sports teams to adopt less offensive nicknames, logos, and mascots, and the Indians are now one of many teams to do so.

“We’re excited to know that now just our team name is a throwback to bygone eras of tacit and overt racism, when white people could be so incredibly ignorant of the plight of natives that we call them, gleefully, people who live on an entirely different continent,” Cleveland Indians Associate Deputy Media Contact Hank Himpleton told us.

For Trump, the decision to have Washington D.C.’s football team take on Wahoo was an “easy one” but it wasn’t his idea, he said.

“Stephen Miller had the idea,” Trump said. “He said it’d be an awful shame to lose such a great racist symbol of our country’s past. And plus, he said it’ll totally help my employment and jobs numbers, which everyone knows I’m bigly in favor of doing at all times.”

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Trump believes the Washington football team is a “logical fit” for both the club and Chief Wahoo.

“I mean, just, you know look at him,” Trump said. “He’s got the right skin color, doesn’t he? His is red AF, fam.”

President Trump briefly considered creating a new cabinet department for Chief Wahoo. If his other senior staffers had given him the thumbs-up, Trump would have created the Department of Racist Symbols, and Chief Wahoo would have been its first secretary. His job duties would have entailed traveling to each Confederate monument in the country and putting up barbed wire and mounting various cannons and turrets around them, in order to keep uppity liberals from removing them, Trump said.

Trump was asked why he’d put in so much effort to keep Chief Wahoo around and in the hearts and minds of Americans. He laughed at the question. He also farted, but he blamed that on the dog. Sarah Huckabee Sanders just nodded and said, “I sure did rip one, Boss!”

“What can I say,” Trump answered. “I just really like old racist nicknames and stereotypes, and besides, it’s not like you’re asking me to do something about an entire island full of American citizens without power or good services for the better part of two months.”

 

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You can read satire like this on The Political Garbage Chute and Alternative Facts.