Wednesday, July 28, 2021

Trump Orders McCarthy to Put the Former First Lady on January 6th Commission

BAD MINCER, NEW JERSEY — This morning, former, one-term, twice forever impeached President Donald J. Trump met with House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (Q-CA) and reportedly discussed who should be appointed to the congressional committee investigating the January 6th attack on the U.S. capitol. According to sources close to the situation, Trump demanded that McCarthy put his First Lady on the commission.

“Now, listen up, Kevin, nothing has changed, okay? Nothing has changed between us since January,” Trump could be overheard shouting at McCarthy by several people. “Besides, once August 13th hits and Sasquatch swears me back in, a lot of this is going to disappear like magic. But the fact is, you still owe me, bigly. So I need you to do us a favor. Put my First Lady on the committee.”

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McCarthy apparently tried pushing back. He told the former president and current buffet frequent diner that he wasn’t sure he could appoint people who were not members of congress themselves. An angry Trump told McCarthy he doesn’t “give a fuck about any rules, ever” and that the Republican lawmaker should break the rules to satisfy Trump’s demands.

“I’m the king, remember, Kevin? I’m the fucking king. Of the party. Of the country. The whole thing,” Trump insisted. “So you put my First Lady on the commission, or maybe my beautiful MAGAs will be looking to hang YOU next time, pal. Put her on the fucking commission.”

McCarthy again tried to move Trump off the idea. He suggested that he put one of Trump’s “favorite dong fluffers or taint polishers” on the commission instead.

“How about Devin Nunes? Devin loves your balls! He’ll be great,” McCarthy suggested. “Or how about Marjie Greene? She’s absolutely literally stupid for you! C’mon, Mr. Forever President, help me help you!”

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An angry Trump was so incensed at the suggestion that he unleashed a torrent of abuse so loud and forceful that he farted throughout it.

“Now, see here, KEVIN,” Trump farted and shouted simultaneously, “you will do exactly as I say, or there will be BIGLY consequences. You put my First Lady on the commission or there will be hell to pay, you understand me? She’s the only one I love and trust as much as myself, and unless you’re going to put me on that commission, it’s time for you do as I say, and put her on it!”

McCarthy sighed, resigned to the inevitable. He told Trump he’d speak to the rest of the House GOP conference about how, exactly, to put Trump’s First Lady on the commission.

“Good! I’ll tell Ivanka to expect a call from you in the next couple of days,” Trump said, finally happy. “Thanks for understanding, Kevin.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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