Wednesday, July 28, 2021

Trump Impeachment Attorney: “If My Client Is Full Of Shit, You Must Acquit!”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Michael Van der Veen, attorney representing former President Mushroomdong in his second impeachment trial, told Senators in his closing argument today that the propensity his client has to lie should actually clear him of all charges.

The morning of his closing argument had already been one for the history books when Mr. Van der Veen was laughed at uproariously. The personal injury attorney had suggested that if witnesses were called, he’d demand the right to depose House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Vice President Kamala Harris, in person, at his law firm’s office in “Philly-delphia.” Van der Veen was openly mocked by the laughter of dozens of Senators.

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Later, during his closing argument, Van der Veen, fighting back tears and angry spurts of diarrhea, declared that because “everyone knows Donald Trump is full of shit,” the Senators hearing evidence must return a not guilty verdict. Most political observers didn’t believe enough Republicans had been deprogrammed from the MAGA cult to secure a conviction anyway, but Van der Veen argued that was irrelevant.

“Quite simply put, if my client is full of shit, you must acquit,” Van der Veen shouted. “Nobody could be incited by anything he said, because who could really believe what he said, at any rate? I don’t care how many video clips they play of people literally saying they storm the capitol because Trump told them to! We have a twenty-four supercut of people throughout time saying the word ‘fight,’ and that I think proves our case, and therefore you must acquit him.”

At the time of publication, most of America was still laughing at Michael Van der Veen.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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