FART-A LOT-GO, FLORIDUH — Over the course of four years, Donald Trump got quite used to issuing orders and having them carried out at the highest levels throughout the U.S. government.
For a man who has spent much of his life getting what he wanted thanks to the wealth acquired by the man with the testicles from whence he came, Don Trump’s tenure as president was simply a continuation of a lifetime of blustery orders followed by enormous temper tantrums if those orders weren’t carried out. However, when he became president, his orders started taking on much more meaning and import. So perhaps nobody could really blame him for getting accustomed to that treatment and still barking out commands as if they can be executed on his behalf anymore, which is exactly what he did last night.
Less than an hour after polls closed in California, the recall race was called in Democrat Gavin Newsom’s favor, ending a bid by pro-MAGA forces to wrest control of the richest state in the country away the Dems. Within an hour of that call, Trump had issued a blistering attack on the “vicious, anti-MAGA losers who fiendishly counted votes” and demanded that the Electoral College step in.
“In 2016, I was a pathetic loser who got millions fewer votes than Crooked H,” Trump wrote in a statement on fake presidential letterhead, “and then the beautiful Electoral College stepped in and reminded America that in this country, losers can still win. I hereby order the Electoral College to do the same in California and declare Larry Elder — one of my three fully URBAN friends — the new Governor.”
The Electoral College has no official role to play in California’s elections. However, Elder still told his audience this morning he was “extremely grateful” for Trump’s order nevertheless.
“Donald Trump was gifted with being rich and white enough to understand the rules don’t apply to him. So if anyone can use non-existent powers to order the Electoral College to do something they have no power to do,” Elder said, “it’s him. I just want to thank him for his support, and this is why I knew licking his taint would pay off, bigly.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.