WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the votes cast in this year’s presidential election keep getting counted, it appears more and more that Donald Trump will be a one term president. This would mean that quite soon he would lose access to the White House medical staff. According to sources in the White House, Trump decided to take advantage of the top notch care that perhaps saved his life from a COVID-19 infection, and had a routine check-up done this morning.
What doctors found, they announced this morning on Fox News.
“We examined the soon-to-be-former president this morning and found that he is ED,” Dr. Benson Hornaydieux told Fox & Friends today. “It’s one of the saddest and most embarrassing cases we’ve seen. Most men in his position have actually not come down with it. The last person to have a case of ED this bad was President George H.W. Bush back in 1992.”
The Fox hosts were confused.
“Doctor, me confuse. Me big confuse,” Brian Kilmeade said in a language many believed was an attempt at English. “Does President Trump have a problem with his boner tail?”
Hornaydieux left a long pause before answering.
“Oh! I see, yes! Yes, he does in fact have a problem with getting an erection,” Hornaydieux divulged, ” but I was referring to Electoral Dysfunction. It happens when an incumbent loses an election, and loses it in a really, really shameful and embarrassing fashion.”
To be clear, though, Hornaydieux did reiterate that Trump does, in fact, have a problem getting and maintaining an erection of his penis.
“Don’t get me wrong, homeslice 100% has a problem getting bone-daggers,” Hornaydieux said, “which of course is the proper medical term for them, and it’s pretty well documented. He’s been prescribed all the usual cock-hardening medications on the market, but in the end there’s only one thing that can really get him hard.”
Hornaydieux shuddered before he continued.
“He needs to be watching his daughter pee on a computer printout of Barack Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate,” the doctor divulged, “I should say the phone Kenyan birth certificate Trump had made up and printed for him, and then he can get really hard. Which for him still means his penis looks like a slightly swollen clit, but still, for him, it’s a four-alarm puss-plunger.”
The doctor apologized for making everyone’s stomachs turn with that mental image, and then ended the press conference.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.