Saturday, September 18, 2021

President Demands Facebook and Twitter Force Users to Like Garbage Civilized People Don’t Want to Read

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump is part of a group of Americans who believe that social media companies like Facebook and Twitter are engaging in an active effort to silence conservative voices.

While social media executives and engineers have tried to explain multiple times that their algorithm simply rewards content that people wish to see and prioritizes popular content over unpopular content, several prominent Republicans like Trump and his son Donald Jr. have insisted that they are being censored by the big tech companies. Yesterday, Trump loyalist Rep. Devin Nunes (R-CA) filed a lawsuit against Twitter and three of its individual users, alleging that the trolling he received from them demonstrates Twitter’s “political bias.”

This morning, President Trump tweeted that the big tech companies and “the Corrupt Media” are “on the side of the Radical Left Democrats.”

https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1108004465121075200

Mr. Trump also Tweeted that he is “looking into” allegations that Facebook “blocks” his social media director Dan Scavino, despite there being zero evidence to back that claim up.

https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1108028566791471104

After returning back to the Oval Office once he completed a press conference in the Rose Garden with the Brazilian president, Trump took off his shoes, unbuckled his belt, and opened up his pants to make himself more comfortable. The commander in chief strode to the Resolute Desk and sat down in the chair behind it. Trump beckoned for reporters to come in, so he could make an announcement.

“Of course everyone knows the FAKE NEWS is the enemy of the people, we all agree on that, of course we do,” Trump said without pausing. “It’s just common knowledge. But what we’re just starting to figure out is that Big Social is also the enemy of the people. And when you add that to the OPEN BORDERS, POST-HIGH SCHOOL ABORTIONING DEMOCRATS, and you have yourself, what, three enemies of the people already! I could keep going, too!”

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President Trump announced that he was going to sign an executive order demanding that social media companies force content created by conservatives to be popular enough for their algorithms to promote it.

“I want Mark Facebooks and Jack Tweeters to put in a little effort and force people to like us,” Trump shouted as he got out his signing crayon and called for Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney and Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders to come into the room as well. “I’m sick and tired of being censored just because no one wants to read the disgusting words I write!”

Trump admitted that he doesn’t “have any clue whatsoever” what an algorithm is, or what it does.

“I really thought for the longest time it was just Al Gore’s dance tapes from the 80’s,” Trump explained. “But apparently it’s what nerds use to keep your Tweeter and Facebook feeds from being too cluttered, or whatever. That sounds way too logical for my tastes, and I know deep down they’re trying to work with CROOKED HILLARY and Bob Mueller’s 435 Angry Democrats to do a presidential coop on me, and those coops are the good kind with chickies in them!”

The president simply does not believe that some of the more extreme viewpoints expressed by his supporters would be unpopular. Instead, he says he blames “cucks at Tweeter and Facebook” for not doing enough to “show the plebs how great” Trump is.

“You really want me to believe that tweeting CROOKED KILLARY BENGHAZI CLINTON WANTS TO POST-BIRTH ABORT YOUR NATIVITY SCENE AND FORCE YOU TO GET GAY MARRIED LIKE THE REST OF THE DEMOCRATS isn’t popular content for mainstream Americans,” Trump asked derisively. “Bull!”

Trump’s order will authorize federal marshals to arrest anyone who shares an anti-Trump meme, as well as gives the Army permission to bomb any social media headquarters that doesn’t purge its site of anti-Trump news items by the end of the summer.

“Some have suggested we learn how algorithms work and then produce content that decent human beings wouldn’t be ashamed to read and share,” Trump said as he signed the order, “but why do that when we can force a private company to force its customers to like us instead?”

Reached for comment, Senator Lindsey Graham said he was “outraged” and “horrified” at Trump’s behavior. Graham said Trump is “being the kind of dictator” that he and his fellow Republicans have railed against for years. He promised swift, bipartisan efforts to curtail Trump’s “disgusting authoritarianism.”

“Oh wait, what’s that you say? John McCain’s still dead, is he? Oh,” Graham quickly responded to someone speaking into his ear. “Never mind. Trump is victory. Victory is Trump. Hail Trump!”


James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

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