WASHINGTON, D.C. — On November 3rd, 2020, Donald Trump lost his bid for reelection. Because some states were intentionally barred by members of Trump’s own party from counting absentee or mail-in ballots until after that day, however, appearances were that there was still a chance the sitting president might become the first American to be impeached and still win another term.
Once those mail-in ballots were counted, millions of them because of the pandemic still raging within U.S. borders, Trump had lost rather decisively. For four years, Trump touted his Electoral College vote count and victory margin as evidence of a “landslide” victory, and yet though Biden wound-up with two more Electoral College votes than he did, Trump has yet to acknowledge he lost, much less that Biden’s margin was ever so slightly larger than his. Word is that on January 6th, 2021, Trump has orchestrated a final, useless, desperate attempt to stay in power by turning a perfunctory, ceremonial congressional certification of the Electoral College vote into a full-blown extraconstitutional coup.
The Constitution is quite clear that on January 20th, 2021, Donald Trump will no longer be president, no matter what he does, though, any 11th hour Hail Mary’s on January 6th notwithstanding. But what happens if 2021 never comes? What if it stays 2020 forever? Then, Trump World believes, the former reality-TV host turned most powerful pussy grabber in the free world will get to remain in power for all time.
At least that’s what President Trump argued as he signed a new executive order this morning, barring the country from turning over the calendars at midnight tonight.
“I hereby order and decree that all clocks will stop prior to midnight tonight, and all calendars will remain in the year 2020 for a period of no less than four years from today,” Trump announced as he dragged a crayon across a presidential napkin. “You can’t swear Sleepy Joe in until 2021, so we’ll just keep things right how they are, thank you very much. We’ll see if we feel like leaving the White House after four years, but for now, we’re keeping 2020, thank you very much!”
On the Hill, the usual group of Trump supporters signalled they were ready to back Trump’s order.
“This is, and I am not being hyperbolic in any way,” Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Trump’s Balls) told reporters, “the best and most genius thing any president or dictator has ever come up with. By the way, while I have you here, can I just say again for the umpteenth time these past four years, how utterly ugly and disgusting my wife Heidi is?”
Sen. Josh Hawley (R-The Confederacy) has said he intends to object to certifying the Electoral College votes on January 6th. The move will do nothing but force two fruitless hours of debate in each chamber, which sources say Hawley’s wife is feeling quite bad for Democrats over, given that she often spends two worthless hours with her husband in the bedroom. Hawley indicated that he fully supports delaying 2021.
“I’m not a racist, but I hear that certain urban areas are planning to brazenly move the clock forward without consulting our dear president’s feelings first,” Hawley said. “That alone casts doubt on the whole notion of New Year’s Day in my book, and I don’t think we can in good conscience move forward with a new year, until we’ve secured the integrity of the year we’re currently in. Do you?”
Joe Biden will become the 46th President of the United States at 12:01pm on January 20th, 2021, whenever that actually ends up being.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.