SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — Tinder has become one of the leading and most popular dating apps available to people looking to find romance in the 21st century. The terms “swipe right” and “swipe left” entered the common lexicon thanks to Tinder. The site claims to have matched-up millions of people with successful dates, hook-ups, snoggings, and bone-down sessions.
Today, Tinder announced that it was expanding its operation, and launching a brand new, companion site, aimed at a more specific clientele — morons. On a call with investors today, Tinder described their new “dating app tailor made for idiots, morons, and dumbasses all over the country.”
“At Tinder, we knew there was a need for a dating service specifically designed to Make Dating Great Again, and we knew that jackasses from sea to shining sea would appreciate having such a virtual meeting space, just for them,” Karen Barnhardt Tinder’s Deputy Junior Media Officer told investors. “We believe our new service, Parlr, will provide exactly that — a dating app tailor made for idiots, morons, and dumbasses all over the country.”
Barnhardt says that the application’s designers spent several weeks working out a way to make sure that only “the dumbest of the dumb” are able to access and sign-up for Parlr. She says that Tinder executives understood quite well how important it is to give the MAGA faithful a “safe space” to feel comfortable and catered to.
“We all saw what happens when you don’t make these people feel special and like everything is about them back on January 6th,” Barnhardt explained. “So that’s why we designed an app that will comb prospective users’ social media posts. If it can’t detect that you post about stolen elections, the Clinton kill list, or Benghazi at least sixteen times a day apiece, it won’t let you sign onto the site. We really do only want the bottom of the barrel, the dumbest of the dumb, the utterly stupidest human beings imaginable using Parlr.”
Parlr will be available from Google and Apple in their respective app stores by the end of the year.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.