Wednesday, July 28, 2021

Tide Introduces New Lady Pods That Are Half As Loud As Regular Tide Pods

The makers of Tide laundry detergent have announced a new product they hope out onto the retail market by the end of Q2 2018. Lady Pods are being described by Tide as having “the exact same stain fighting formula” as their regular Tide Pods, but they will be half as loud when bitten into. Tide says they wanted to develop this new product to harness the same “buzz and anticipation” that PepsiCo’s CEO did when she floated the idea of Doritos brand chips made specifically for women during a recent podcast interview.

“We did some preliminary market research and found that while the appetite for our pods hasn’t waned, some women are interested in pods that don’t announce to the whole world that you’re poisoning yourself in a stupid stunt,” Tide regional spokesperson Bill Williamson told investors during a monthly conference call this week. “So we decided that the marketplace wasn’t just ready, but was really yearning for, a detergent pod that wasn’t as squeaky and noisy as the other pods.”

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Lady Pods will come in a variety of floral scents and in flavors that Tide thinks will also appeal to females.

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“Not only do women prefer a less intrusive eating dining and laundry experience, they also frankly tend to have different, perhaps even more refined, tastes than men have,” Williamson told investors. “So that’s why our Lady Pods will have scents such as lavender, mint chamomile, and green tea, and flavors like strawberries and chocolate and ‘being stared at like a piece of fuck meat by nearly every person with a dong.’ It’s a bit bold, but we think they’ll really gravitate toward that last one.”

Before settling on Lady Pods, Williamson says Tide considered a few other names.

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“We really liked Pad Pods, because you know, ladies use pads, but then we realized some woman use tampons and Pad or Pon Pods was too long, while Pon Pods wasn’t right either,” Williamson said. “So, ultimately we landed on Lady Pods.”

Lady Pods will be on the same aisle as regular Tide Pods, but cost about 12-13% more, “just because,” Williamson said.

“No real, valid reason for it, just because they’re associated with vaginae in some way, shape, or form,” Mr. Williamson told investors. “We really think these could be some of our biggest sellers. Truth is, since January of last year, things have gotten progressively worse for women, and now we have an administration that shelters and protects domestic abusers. So, I’m sure this all makes quite a few ladies out there wanna bite into one of our pods. Now they can do that, but using a product that’s equal parts condescending and pointless.”

You can read satire like this every day on The Political Garbage Chute and Alternative Facts.

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