The following is reprinted from a pamphlet being given by Congressional Republicans to their constituents during town hall meetings in their districts.
It’s that time of year again.
It’s Thanksgiving time — a time of great American tradition and values. So while you are preparing to take part in that great American tradition of Thanksgiving — waiting in line for deals on electronics that you are willing to stab someone for — the House Republicans would like to address the growing discontent among a certain segment of our population. Liberals. Takers. Moochers. Socialist Maobama Acolytes.
Whatever we decide to call you, it seems like you’re just not happy with anything this year, or at least since about January 2017 at any rate, and you all seem so ungrateful.
Oh boo hoo! My healthcare costs are skyrocketing, the trade war is driving up costs on everything, and blah blah blah, I’m a little bitch.
That sounds exactly like all of you, by the way.
Whine. Whine. Whine. You all just whine instead of changing your perspective and seeing just how great you really have it. So as a service to you all we, The House Republicans present to you this five point list of things that you — The Socialist Moocher Liberals of America — have to be thankful for.
#5. Your Four Jobs
There is nothing in the world more satisfying than an honest day’s work.
So it would only stand to reason that four days’ honest work crammed into one would be quadruple the satisfaction. All this talk from The Takers about raising the minimum wage is clearly just an excuse to get out of working hard. Oh sure, you gripe about not being there for your family and then point to that as a reason for why there might be more kids in the street getting themselves into dangerous situations with gangs and drugs.
You point to the fact that even after working multiple jobs, there still isn’t enough money to make ends meet so you have to get governmental assistance or not pay your heating bill, but we think that’s all just a clever ruse to get out of doing your duty as an American laborer — to keep the rich as rich as possible so they don’t smite us out of rage if we have to raise their taxes or close their precious tax loopholes.
So be thankful for your four low-wage jobs while you have them, Moochers! The Job Creators give, and the Job Creators taketh away. If we don’t act respectful and genuflect at their feet for deigning to drop little piddle puddles of loose change on us, they may pull up their tent stakes and go abuse the labor pool of another country. What’s that? They’re already doing that in countries with even fewer labor laws? Well…then…America Yay!
#4. Teaching Your Kids Creationism
You whiny socialists love to complain about the state of education in this country, but you forget the contributions of red state school districts everywhere, focusing on the important information: The Earth is roughly 1,500 years old, dinosaurs were at the crucifixion of Jesus, and there’s no such thing as evolution because you can’t explain how magnets work.
If it wasn’t for the efforts of dedicated, born-again evangelicals in the Bible belt, Lord only knows what crazy “science” and “history” might be taught to your kids. Do you really want your children growing up with the notion that we only know about 3% or less of the known universe? Do you really want your kids graduating high school thinking that man has had any impact on the Earth in a negative way? Why, just ask the Bluefin tuna how much good we do!
Besides, we all know that if we weren’t pumping our kids full of Bible science and values Satan would take over this great land and force some kind of healthcare reform on us and we’d — OH GOODNESS IT’S TOO LATE! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! SAVE YOURSELVES!
#3. The Modicum of Control We Let You Have Over Your Vaginae
Hey, ladies, you might complain about our over-reaching social policies that seek to control the moral barometer in this nation by way of your vaginae, but we say this to that:
Would you rather live in a country where you had no control over your own reproductive organs?
No really, we’re asking you that on a serious note because we’re trying to gauge how much support we’d have for HR 45678, a bill written by our most fervent of religious ideologues that would invoke “eminent domain” over all vaginae produced in America from January 1st, 1964 to the present day, and if we could get some of you dames on board with this plan, it sure would be great. Trust us, we know your vagina better than you, and we therefore know what your vagina needs better than you. Because God gifted us with the male brain…a penis.
#2. Our Efforts to Punish Poor People by Taking Away Their Doctors
Do you really want America to be known as a country who just lets anyone get medical treatment? Come on now, America!
Where have your standards gone? We all know the most important power in the universe is the Lord Thy God, but a very, very close second is The Lord Thy Profit Margins. We all know that once all these “Sickies” start getting medical treatment regardless of their preexisting conditions that it will seriously hurt America. Because you know, if insurance companies and doctors aren’t making so much money they could each buy their own private island, America loses.
Besides, it’s not like there are literally dozens of other countries that have truly universal, socialized healthcare (and have had for decades) and it’s working out for them, right? Right?
#1. President King Emperor Donald J. Trump
If there is one thing that having a lawless, dictatorial reality-TV star as our president/king has taught us, it’s that holding presidents accountable and Constitutions are just a lot of work. They’re probably, very honestly, a little too much work, don’t you think? You have so much to be thankful for in Trump. He’s showing everyone how utterly and completely worthless the Constitution and all its laws and processes are to someone who just straight-up doesn’t give a fuck about them.
Isn’t the wanton destruction of the institutions we’ve built over the last half a century something to be truly, unmitigatedly happy and thrilled, and dare we say, thankful, for? Of course it is! Shut up, cucks!
There. Now the inside of your skull matches theirs perfectly. Happy Thanksgiving, Takers!
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.