Monday, January 17, 2022

Pro-Life Tennessee Republicans Fighting to Help More Kids Die of Preventable Diseases

NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE — This week, news outlets reported that Tennessee Republicans did something that some might find rather odd during a global pandemic — they fired the state’s vaccine chief. What got her canned? Doing her job, apparently, and encouraging people to get vaccinated.

The New York Times reports that Tennessee’s top immunization official, Michelle Fiscus, says she was forced out of her job this week after writing a memo regarding a 34-year-old legal doctrine that suggests some teenagers can get vaccinations without their parents’ consent. (Vanity Fair)

For the last couple of weeks, elected Republicans both in state and federal offices have begun to attack the COVID-19 vaccines as well as the efforts by the Biden administration to encourage Americans to take it. The pro-MAGA faction of the GOP has been comparing volunteer door knocking campaigns aimed at helping Americans feel confident about taking the vaccine to Nazi Germany, as calm and rational adults are often wont to do.

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The news comes as Tennessee’s neighbor, Mississippi, is seeing a dangerous surge of the Delta variant of COVID-19. Just this week, Mississippi had more than ten children on ventilators, and two were on life support due to complications from the virus. Data shows that over 95% of the new COVID cases in America are coming from the unvaccinated population. Still, Republicans are encouraging people to be skeptical of the vaccines that can save lives.

At a press conference today, Tennessee State Rep. Tom Thompaulsen (Q) defended his party’s decision to fire the vaccine chief, just as their state might need extra protection from the surging Delta variant.

“For starters, these vaccines may be technically safe, but Democrats are talking them up, and as the late, great Rush Limbaugh taught us, the Democrats always lie,” Tompaulsen said. “Like when they said Trump colluded with Russia and the Mueller Report clearly says that he couldn’t prove it because Trump and his cronies were so full of shit. I mean, hello? That exonerates him and makes you wrong!”

After composing himself, Thompaulsen continued.

“Look, we’re Republicans. We’re pro-life. So every one of the kids who gets put on a vent will only be there because WE fought hard to make sure all babies get borned,” Thompaulsen said. “But part of being pro-life means knowing that literally as soon as you leave your mom’s cooch, you’re on your own! Maybe these kids should pull themselves up by their bootstraps and protect themselves from COVID with an AR-15 like every good patriot does!”

Thompaulsen said it’s “part of the American experiment” and a “truly noble sacrifice” to allow kids to die.

“Do you want communism? Do you want socialism? Because vaccinating kids is completely against liberty and freedom,” Thompaulsen said. “Vaccinating those kids using taxpayer funded vaccines is the definition of tyranny. And remember: give me liberty or give me death. That applies to kids too. Let them die in liberty rather than live in vaccinated tyranny.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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