SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — Facebook will add a brand new feature over the next few weeks that management hopes will “enhance and enrich” user experience.
“We know you already really enjoy our Like, Love, Care, Haha, Sad, and Angry reactions, which you use to show a deeper connection to a post than just the old, standalone ‘Like’ feature,” a blog post from founder Mark Zuckerberg states. “We’re always looking to enhance and enrich your time on Facebook, and that’s why starting very soon, you’ll have the ability to use one more, special reaction, just on posts from Sen. Ted Cruz, of Texas.”
Starting as soon as this week, users interacting with Cruz’s Facebook posts can still use the standard reaction options, but they can also use a new “Middle Finger” one as well. It’s meant to be a “more accurate representation of how most people react to things Ted Cruz says or does off Facebook,” Zuckerberg’s blog post explained.
“Thanks to our machine learning algorithm, we’ve determined a few key phrases that are often hurled at Sen. Cruz whenever he makes a post,” Zuckerberg wrote. “Because it would be inappropriate for there to be an ‘F-U C-Word’ reaction, however, we cannot use the most popular phrase and turn it into a reaction. Instead, we used the middle finger, which is a fairly good substitute, at any rate, contextually speaking.”
Zuckerberg warns users, however, not to “get carried away” and think the new Cruz reaction gives them “carte blanche” on the site. Most of the normal restrictions on user content and comments will be in place still.
“As tempting as it is, and as forgivable as it would be to do, you’ll still likely get flagged by our algorithm if you call Sen. Cruz a ‘booger eating cunt,'” Zuckerberg warned. “Even if he is, in fact, scientifically-certified as a booger eating cunt, and there can be no doubt, Ted Cruz is most definitely a booger eating cunt. However, you still can’t call him that on our data mining and white nationalist insurrection planning website.”
Sen. Cruz could not be reached for comment.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.