WASHINGTON, D.C. — He would later tell reporters he “wasn’t quite sure what [he] was thinking,” but today Senator Ted Cruz (R-Trump’s Taint) found himself begging an arsonist to not set fire to things, even though he’d just minutes before handed the arsonist gasoline and matches.
“Please, patriot! Sir! I beg you, I know I just handed you that gasoline, and I know I just put those matches in your hands,” Cruz implored the arsonist, “but, please! Do not keep burning stuff!”
As the incident developed, it became clear that this wasn’t the first time Cruz had placed matches and gasolines in the arsonist’s hands.
“Senator Cruz, you had no problem with me having gas and matches earlier this year,” the arsonist reminded him, “and you told me when you gave me the crate of matches and barrels of gasoline after the election that you hoped I would defend democracy with my blazing fires of freedom! Why can’t set fire to shit now?!”
“Because, people are paying attention too carefully to me and what I incite right now, that’s why,” Cruz explained. “Trust me, in a few months I’ll be back to sending you gas and matches every single day, and you can burn down whatever the hell you want. But right now, please, I beg you, stop setting fire to things!”
As Cruz was speaking to the first arsonist, several thousand more arsonists suddenly appeared from around the corner. That’s when Cruz signalled for a truck parked not far away to pull up next to him. Cruz began handing out matches and gasoline as he addressed the crowd.
“Take these matches! Take this gasoline! You could use them to burn fires so bright it scares any communist loving Antifa-sponsored Democrat think twice about taking your guns away,” Cruz said as he gave away match after match and gas can after gas can, “but don’t okay! You totally could, and I deep down wouldn’t care if you did, but PLEASE DON’T USE THESE THINGS I AM HANDING YOU RIGHT NOW!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.