Friday, May 7, 2021
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Hannity Slams Complete Sentences and Cogent Thoughts in Biden’s First Congressional Address

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- Fox News personality Sean Hannity was not in any way, shape, or form impressed with the first joint congressional...

Smokey Bear’s New Slogan: “Only YOU Give a Shit About Your Baby’s Gender”

In 1944, the United States Forestry Department unveiled their new mascot -- Smokey The Bear -- and within three years Smokey was seen uttering...

Men’s Rights Activist Demands Wife Bake Cake to Celebrate Anniversary of Male Suffrage

DICKHEAD, NEW JERSEY -- Matty Palahmbo is a men's rights activist. In his mind, that puts him on the "frontline in the war on...

Surgeons Asphyxiating From Wearing Masks Up 10,000,000,000,000% Since COVID-19 Outbreak

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- The National Medical Research Institute of America has just published a report on the incidence of surgeons suffocating from...

NASCAR Assures Fans They’ll See Confederate Flag Before Every Final Lap

DAYTONA BEACH, FLORIDA -- Yesterday, NASCAR announced that it was banning the display of the confederate flag at all its events. In a written...

Cop Would Rather Resign and Only Beat His Wife If He Can’t Have a Tank and Machine Gun At Work

KEITEL, MINNESOTA -- Lt. Chad Jughedd is "about as pissed off" as he's ever been, he told us during a Skype interview this weekend....

Man Dumbfounded That Clothes Left Next to Hamper Are Still Washed and Folded

COLORADO SPRINGS, COLORADO -- A Colorado man has reported miraculous laundry patterns in his home, which until recently remained largely unexplained. Despite the fact...

Confused Health Guru Contracts COVID-19 Despite Using His Best Turmeric Chakra Cleanse

KARMA VALLEY, OREGON -- 53-year-old self-described "health guru" Pat Kinnerson just got a confirmed, positive result from the COVID-19 test he was given by...

CDC Says to Stop Licking Surfaces Clean Like Cats

ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- Doctors at the Centers for Disease Control are strongly urging everyone to resist the urge to use their own tongues like...

Report: They’re Still Fighting Over the Fucking PS4 Controllers

LOS CHICOS LUCHANDO, ARIZONA -- There are more than one PS4 controller in their house, but each of the brothers at the center of...

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