Monday, March 1, 2021
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NASCAR Assures Fans They’ll See Confederate Flag Before Every Final Lap

DAYTONA BEACH, FLORIDA -- Yesterday, NASCAR announced that it was banning the display of the confederate flag at all its events. In a written...

Local Stripper Practicing Giving Lap Dances from Six Feet Away

VALLE DE LAS CHICHIS, CALIFORNIA -- Candy Sparkles is not her real name, but in her line of work, she needs a pseudonym, and...

Stupidfuck Training to Become Dumbfuck

MORON VALLEY, MINNESOTA -- Marcus Palumbozo is a stupidfuck. He has all the certifications he needs for the federal government to recognize his stupidfuck...

Nickelback Fan Can’t Tell Who’s Socially Distancing Themselves From Him During Coronavirus Quarantine

COLD BEACH, WASHINGTON -- Pat Jackson is a huge fan of the band Nickelback. He owns at least four copies of each of their...

Married Couple Might Get to Fuck Again Some Day

SAN GUILLERMO, CALIFORNIA -- Neither one of them are to blame, when you get them alone and ask them individually, for the lack of...

Trump Worried Too Many Solar Panels Means Humans Might ‘Suck Up All the Sunlight’

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Presdident Donald Trump today told reporters that "one bigly reason" he supports the push for the return to coal as opposed...

President Trump Asks All Intelligence Briefings Include Small Words And Big Pictures

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Trump administration has submitted an official request to Congress, asking that that the president have his daily intelligence briefings modified....

7 Signs Your Cat Wants to Get Baked and Watch “Queer Eye” With You

For years, zoologists and veterinarians have known but not understood a curious fact about common domesticated house cats. That fact is: They love to...

First Blind Winner At International Staring Contest Championship

OSLO, NORWAY -- History was made this weekend at the International Staring Contest Championship, held this year in President Donald Trump's favorite mostly-white country,...

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