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Florida

New Policy Lets DeSantis Punch Kids in the Mouth for Wearing a Mask

TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDUH -- A new policy instituted by Gov. Ron DeSantis (Q-FL) allows him to punch "any and all students" he encounters who are...

DeSantis: “I’ll Worry About Kids Getting COVID When They’re Old Enough to Vote”

TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDUH -- This morning, Gov. Ron DeSantis (Q-FL) continued his public feud with schools and districts in his state who are resisting his...

Matt Gaetz Has a Perfectly Reasonable Explanation for Using Venmo to Buy a Fleet of Windowless Vans

LAKE EPSTEIN, FLORIDA -- According to sources, investigators have uncovered a new wrinkle in Qongressman Matt Gaetz' sex-for-money scandal. Reportedly, in 2018, Gaetz and...

Florida Deems Rub-n-Tug Massage Parlors ‘Essential Businesses’

TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA -- This week, the State of Florida labeled professional wrestling an "essential business" and granted the WWE permission to continue to operate...

Wayne LaPierre Too Busy Scrubbing Blood Off Hands To Equivocate About Gun Violence

FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA -- National Rifle Association Executive Vice-President Wayne LaPierre told reporters today that he won't have time to equivocate about gun violence in...

Trump Supporter Wants Florida Added To Trump’s Muslim Ban List

COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE -- Jethro Bohiggins is a die hard Donald Trump supporter, and he even has a tattoo on his right buttock...

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