Thursday, January 21, 2021
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McConnell: “Maybe I’m a Wrinkly Fuckstick Traitor. But That Doesn’t Mean Trump Shouldn’t Contest Every State He Lost.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a moment of unforeseen and rare candor, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell admitted that he is a "wrinkly fuckstick traitor,"...

Brett Favre ‘Thankful’ for Career Full of Head Injuries That Inspired Him to Vote for Trump

Yesterday, former NFL quarterback Brett Favre made national headlines. It's not something that is necessarily new to Favre. Over the course of several years,...

Man and Weed Dealer Have Agreement Not to Discuss Politics

LOS BURRITOS MOJADOS, CALIFORNIA -- Every couple of weeks, 40 year old computer programmer Jim Lawrence buys a half-ounce of cannabis, or marijuana, from...

CDC Warns Libertarians: There Is No Nerd Immunity from COVID-19

ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- The Centers for Disease Control has issued an urgent warning to all Americans in the Libertarian Party. According to top CDC...

Disney Assures Visitors They Can Still Hurl Racist Insults at Employees While Riding Updated Splash Mountain

ANALSLIME, CALIFORNIA -- This week, Disney became the latest corporation to reconcile its problematic past when it comes to racism in its content when...

Surgeons Asphyxiating From Wearing Masks Up 10,000,000,000,000% Since COVID-19 Outbreak

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- The National Medical Research Institute of America has just published a report on the incidence of surgeons suffocating from...

Alphabet Announces New Porn-Only Web Browser Called “Google Cream”

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA -- For years now, millions of users have surfed websites using Google's Chrome web browser. Today, Alphabet -- Google's parent...

Protesters Demand Right to Congregate During Zombie Outbreak

ROMERO, MICHIGAN -- A group of about three hundred took to their local city council office in a small Michigan town, demanding that authorities...

Dipshits Flock to Beaches to Help Stop Stopping Spread of Coronavirus

Researchers at the Centers For Uncontrolled Diseases excitedly announced today that, thanks to this past weekend being one of the warmest of late on...

Local Stripper Practicing Giving Lap Dances from Six Feet Away

VALLE DE LAS CHICHIS, CALIFORNIA -- Candy Sparkles is not her real name, but in her line of work, she needs a pseudonym, and...

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