Saturday, September 18, 2021
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COVID-19

World Shocked to Discover Billionaire Just Entitled Sociopath Asshole

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA -- Billionaire and Likely Cartoon Villain Elon Musk wanted his Tesla plant opened back up, and that's exactly what he...

Local Militia Group Preparing to Liberate Chick-Fil-A Dining Room From Coronavirus Lockdown

SISTER BANGER, KENTUCKY -- They don't know exactly when, but the members of Kentucky's First Regional All-State Liberty Militia does know what they're mission...

Protesters Demand Right to Congregate During Zombie Outbreak

ROMERO, MICHIGAN -- A group of about three hundred took to their local city council office in a small Michigan town, demanding that authorities...

Dipshits Flock to Beaches to Help Stop Stopping Spread of Coronavirus

Researchers at the Centers For Uncontrolled Diseases excitedly announced today that, thanks to this past weekend being one of the warmest of late on...

Local Stripper Practicing Giving Lap Dances from Six Feet Away

VALLE DE LAS CHICHIS, CALIFORNIA -- Candy Sparkles is not her real name, but in her line of work, she needs a pseudonym, and...

Local Idiots Demand Right to Die for Retail Commerce

DUMBERG, OHIO -- The village idiots of a town in Ohio stormed their town's retail centers, demanding that they be allowed to shop in...

Confused Health Guru Contracts COVID-19 Despite Using His Best Turmeric Chakra Cleanse

KARMA VALLEY, OREGON -- 53-year-old self-described "health guru" Pat Kinnerson just got a confirmed, positive result from the COVID-19 test he was given by...

CDC Says to Stop Licking Surfaces Clean Like Cats

ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- Doctors at the Centers for Disease Control are strongly urging everyone to resist the urge to use their own tongues like...

CDC Reminder: Also Sanitize Your Butt Plugs When There’s No Pandemic

ATLANTA, GEORGIA --Authorities at the Centers for Disease Control have issued a new statement to Americans, urging them to sanitize their butt plugs to...

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