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COVID-19

Cruz: “The Only Thing I Need Covering My Face Left Washington on January 20th”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- For quite some time, some Senate Republicans have scoffed at, if not openly defied, congressional rules dictating they wear a face...

President Biden Apologizes to Neanderthal Americans

"I didn't see a single Neanderthal at the January 6th insurrection."

BREAKING: Mitch McConnell Still a Villainous Cartoon Character Piece of Shit

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Two-thirds of the House of Representatives, the President of the United States, and several Senate Republicans have all worked together to...

Here You Go Plebs, Here’s $600. Thanks For the Salary and Healthcare.

The following editorial was written by Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-CA) in concert with one...

Pence Told Reporters He’s Been ‘Poked By Enough Guys’ Before Not to Be Nervous About Coronavirus Vaccine

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- This morning, wearing a short-sleeved, plaid print button-up shirt, outgoing Vice President Mike Pence received a dose of a coronavirus vaccine. Pence...

Cowboys Change Cheerleader Squad Name to “Super Spreaders”

DALLASS, TEXASS -- This week, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones -- whose body and face are 77 and 10 years old respectively -- announced...

CDC Releases Study Using Demonic Semen, Alien DNA, and Unicorn Blood to Treat COVID-19

ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- The Centers for Disease Control published a highly-anticipated study on the effectiveness of demonic semen, alien DNA, and unicorn blood in...

CDC Warns Libertarians: There Is No Nerd Immunity from COVID-19

ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- The Centers for Disease Control has issued an urgent warning to all Americans in the Libertarian Party. According to top CDC...

Surgeons Asphyxiating From Wearing Masks Up 10,000,000,000,000% Since COVID-19 Outbreak

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- The National Medical Research Institute of America has just published a report on the incidence of surgeons suffocating from...

Bill Gates Announces Windows COVID-19 Operating System

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON -- In just a couple of weeks, Microsoft will launch its newest operating system at the specific direction of its founder and...

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