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COVID-19

“Small Government” Governor Dictates to Private Companies What They Can Do About COVID-19

AUSTIN, TEXAS -- "Herp derp! Me small government conservative! Me hate socialism! Me want keep government from being tie-ran-ickle," Texas Gov. Greg Abbott said...

New Policy Lets DeSantis Punch Kids in the Mouth for Wearing a Mask

TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDUH -- A new policy instituted by Gov. Ron DeSantis (Q-FL) allows him to punch "any and all students" he encounters who are...

DeSantis: “I’ll Worry About Kids Getting COVID When They’re Old Enough to Vote”

TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDUH -- This morning, Gov. Ron DeSantis (Q-FL) continued his public feud with schools and districts in his state who are resisting his...

CDC Updates Guidance on Covering Your Face With Trump’s Ass to Avoid COVID-19

ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- Last year, at one point the Centers for Disease Control believed that in addition to social distancing, washing your hands, and...

Tucker Carlson Wants to Get One More COVID-19 Vaccine Before He Endorses Them

Fox News host and sentient toilet film Tucker Carlson told his audience last night that he's still "not quite ready" to encourage them to...

Dr. Tucker Carlson Still Not Ready to Endorse COVID-19 Vaccine

COVID-19 vaccines have been available for more than six months, and while an initial surge of Americans taking one of the three currently approved...

Pro-Life Tennessee Republicans Fighting to Help More Kids Die of Preventable Diseases

NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE -- This week, news outlets reported that Tennessee Republicans did something that some might find rather odd during a global pandemic --...

Fauci Says He’s Never Heard of a Virology Lab in Any Crossfit Gym

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Freshman Congresshorse Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA) wants Americans to ignore the advice of Dr. Anthony Fauci and instead listen to her....

FBI: Trump’s COVID-19 Body Count Higher Than Clintons’ Kill List

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A new report from the Federal Bureau of Investigations concludes that the total number of Americans killed, or had their murders...

COVID-19’s Delta Variant Will Officially Sponsor All Future Trump Rallies

Donald Trump's SuperPAC has reached a deal that will, according to their latest press release, "keep operating and overhead costs associated with Trump rallies...

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