Thursday, January 21, 2021
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Coronavirus

Here You Go Plebs, Here’s $600. Thanks For the Salary and Healthcare.

The following editorial was written by Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-CA) in concert with one...

Pence Told Reporters He’s Been ‘Poked By Enough Guys’ Before Not to Be Nervous About Coronavirus Vaccine

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- This morning, wearing a short-sleeved, plaid print button-up shirt, outgoing Vice President Mike Pence received a dose of a coronavirus vaccine. Pence...

Cowboys Change Cheerleader Squad Name to “Super Spreaders”

DALLASS, TEXASS -- This week, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones -- whose body and face are 77 and 10 years old respectively -- announced...

CDC Releases Study Using Demonic Semen, Alien DNA, and Unicorn Blood to Treat COVID-19

ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- The Centers for Disease Control published a highly-anticipated study on the effectiveness of demonic semen, alien DNA, and unicorn blood in...

COVID-19 Forces Jesus to Delay Second Coming

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY -- Concerns about the ongoing COVID-19 outbreak, particularly in the United States' "Bible Belt," have forced Jesus Hubert Christ to...

CDC Warns Libertarians: There Is No Nerd Immunity from COVID-19

ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- The Centers for Disease Control has issued an urgent warning to all Americans in the Libertarian Party. According to top CDC...

Surgeons Asphyxiating From Wearing Masks Up 10,000,000,000,000% Since COVID-19 Outbreak

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- The National Medical Research Institute of America has just published a report on the incidence of surgeons suffocating from...

Bill Gates Announces Windows COVID-19 Operating System

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON -- In just a couple of weeks, Microsoft will launch its newest operating system at the specific direction of its founder and...

World Shocked to Discover Billionaire Just Entitled Sociopath Asshole

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA -- Billionaire and Likely Cartoon Villain Elon Musk wanted his Tesla plant opened back up, and that's exactly what he...

Local Militia Group Preparing to Liberate Chick-Fil-A Dining Room From Coronavirus Lockdown

SISTER BANGER, KENTUCKY -- They don't know exactly when, but the members of Kentucky's First Regional All-State Liberty Militia does know what they're mission...

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