Monday, March 1, 2021
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Florida Deems Rub-n-Tug Massage Parlors ‘Essential Businesses’

TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA -- This week, the State of Florida labeled professional wrestling an "essential business" and granted the WWE permission to continue to operate...

Confused Health Guru Contracts COVID-19 Despite Using His Best Turmeric Chakra Cleanse

KARMA VALLEY, OREGON -- 53-year-old self-described "health guru" Pat Kinnerson just got a confirmed, positive result from the COVID-19 test he was given by...

CDC Says to Stop Licking Surfaces Clean Like Cats

ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- Doctors at the Centers for Disease Control are strongly urging everyone to resist the urge to use their own tongues like...

Nickelback Fan Can’t Tell Who’s Socially Distancing Themselves From Him During Coronavirus Quarantine

COLD BEACH, WASHINGTON -- Pat Jackson is a huge fan of the band Nickelback. He owns at least four copies of each of their...

CDC Reminder: Also Sanitize Your Butt Plugs When There’s No Pandemic

ATLANTA, GEORGIA --Authorities at the Centers for Disease Control have issued a new statement to Americans, urging them to sanitize their butt plugs to...

CDC Suggests Couples Start Using “Just the Tip”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In order to help minimize the spread of the novel coronavirus, the Centers for Disease Control is "highly recommending" that couples...

Disneyland Having All Its Caribbean Pirates Tested for Coronavirus

ANASLIME, CALIFORNIA -- The Walt Disney Company announced this week that for the first time since the September 11th, 2001 terror attacks, they were...

David Avocado Wolfe and Gwyneth Paltrow Appointed to Coronavirus Response Team

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Though his administration is telling Americans that the coronavirus has been "contained" in the United States, President Donald Trump is still...

CDC Issues Guidelines for Safe Handjobs During Coronavirus Outbreak

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Centers for Disease Control issued a new set of guidelines to Americans today, aiming to teach them the "proper, hygienic...

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