WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, the country awoke to news that the Supreme Court of the United States had agreed to hear a case out of Mississippi that might lead to the complete gutting of the landmark 1973 Roe vs. Wade decision. Should that come to pass, states would be free to ban abortion outright, ending the longstanding precedent that medical viability of the fetus would set the legal boundary.
However, the case out of Mississippi isn’t the only one that the court will review that has wide-ranging potential impacts on reproductive rights in America. The high court will also take a case out of Florida that will determine if precum has the same rights as a pregnant woman. Heretofore, it’s been a widely accepted legal paradigm that precum, or the ejaculate that can seep out prior to full male orgasm, does not have the level of sentience required to meet the standard needed to expect a full compliment of constitutional freedoms, despite having the intellect needed to be elected as a Republican to Congress, evidenced by the career of Sen. Rand Paul, who is the only known Precum American to serve.
With the court’s decision to hear the Florida case, though, Precum Americans might find themselves covered in a dull sheen of liberty and taxation with representation.
“The case in Florida argues that a woman should not be allowed to have an abortion once a man has emitted even a droplet of precum from his phallus,” Constitutional lawyer Faith Pinnip told us in an interview today. “Life does not just began at conception, according to this Florida law, it begins at erection. It’s a sweeping decision, and one that has been smacked down at every lower level court. But with Justices Drunky McTrynrape and Amy Covid Barrett on the bench, all bets are off, and we could easily see Precum Americans elevated to full citizenship status.”
In a statement, former Vice President High Priest Mike Pence hailed the Supreme Court’s move as the “most consequential attempts to bring control of the nation’s vaginae back where it belongs — the government.” Former Governor Mike Huckabee said he’s “elated” by the news because he has a living abortion for a daughter, and he takes the topic “very seriously.” Rick Santorum simply tweeted that he was “too busy spree-spanking it to the glorious news” to give an in-depth commentary on the situation.
“As a good, clean, ammo hoarding, God fearing, melanin-free, Christian American patriot,” Pence said in a written statement, “my whole political career has been about reducing the size of government. Now, we can see the fruits of our labor, as Donald Trump and I found a way to get the government so small, the entire Supreme Court bench can fit inside a woman’s uterus. Amen. Praise His Name! And by ‘His’ of course I mean ‘Donald Trump’!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.