“We’d only be affirming what everybody already knows is true.” – House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (Q-CA)
WASHINGTON, D.C. — When they shoved Rep. Liz Cheney (R-WY) out of the way with a simple voice vote this week, many House Republicans at the time assumed that they’d be putting another woman, Rep. Elise Stefanik (Q-NY) in her place. In the hours since Cheney was booted from the number three position in the GOP conference, however, a new surprise challenger to Stefanik as emerged.
“Just after dawn this morning, I received an urgent email from Mar-A-Lago,” House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (Q-CA) divulged to reporters this morning. “Apparently, former King God Emperor Trump wants us to hold off on installing Elise in Liz’s old seat. I guess he’s thinking it would be better if we just cut to the chase and made his dong the conference chair instead.”
According to McCarthy, Trump believes his genitals are “entitled and should be invited” to be the GOP conference chair.
“He makes a pretty good point. We already go wherever it leads him,” McCarthy said, referring to the thing Trump thinks of as his penis. “So, if you think about it, if we do make his dong the conference chair, we’d only be affirming what everybody already knows is true.”
Perhaps unsurprisingly, Rep. Stefanik has come out in support of Trump’s phallus having the position she thought was hers.
“Anything Don Trump wants, I say Don Trump gets. This is exactly the kind of system the founders envisioned,” Stefanik told Newsmax TV today. “A pseudo-monarchy and religious cult, devoted to boosting the ego of a petulant man-baby. So if Don Trump’s peepeeweener decides it has to be conference chair, it will be my delight and honor to step aside and let Don Trump’s peepeewener have it.”
Off the record, several congressional Republicans have indicated they would not want Trump’s dong to be conference chair, but are afraid of him unleashing a rabid horde of armed thugs on them, so they’d support the move nevertheless.
Per usual, Trump’s penis could not be located to obtain a quote for this story. House Republicans are expected to vote on leadership positions in the coming days.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.