Friday, May 7, 2021

South Dakota Gov. Signs Law Allowing Her to Check Student Athlete Undies

PIERRE, SOUTH DAKOTA – In just a matter of days, South Dakota may likely have a new law enforcement task force, dedicated to what Gov. Kristi Noem (Q) calls “protecting women’s sporting events.” Trans rights groups, however, call it blatant bullying and discrimination against transgender girls.

For several years now, religious conservatives have waged a war on transgender rights. First in attempts to write so-called “bathroom bills” that require citizens to only use the toilet that is designated for their gender. In recent times, their crusade against transgender genitalia has shifted focus to student athletics. In some states and municipalities, trans boys have been allowed to play in male sports, and the same goes for transgender girls playing in female sports. Now, with a new law that Gov. Noem is expected to sign into law, students will be required to certify in writing what they have in their undies.

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According to NPR:

The legislation requires that schools and athletic associations collect written waivers documenting every student athlete’s “reproductive biology.” There are roughly 40,000 students who compete in sports in the state and critics say the bill violates Title 7 and Title 9 of the Civil Rights Act by discriminating based on sex. (NPR)

Some have wondered if the state will need to establish an agency to monitor, collect, and archive the genital certifications from each athlete. Others have suggested something much more direct, however. Reportedly, Gov. Noem is in favor of creating such a task force.

“The governor of course, as a Republican, is a true stalwart defender of small government. As in, government so small it can climb inside your pee hole,” one of the governor’s staffers told us, while speaking on the condition of anonymity, “and confirm what they’re packing in their happy fun-time zone. Therefore, as soon as the bill is passed, she will sign it and personally inspect every single crotch of every single student athlete in the state. For the Republic.”

Conservative commentator and plastic potato toy penis defender Ben Shapiro hailed the move as a “crucial first strike back” and personally volunteered to join Noem’s genital inspection squad.

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“This is huge. This is massive. This is mega,” Shapiro said in rapid-fire succession on his podcast today. “This is the most patriotic and consequential thing anyone in this country has ever done, and I’m including all our wars. And if Governor Noem needs a well-qualified genital expert for her team, she should call me. I have inspected my wife’s vagina for inappropriate moistness every night for our entire marriage, and I am happy to report it’s always looked like Tatooine up there.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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