Saturday, October 23, 2021

Shane Gillis Hired as Trump’s New Speechwriter

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, at a ceremony in the Rose Garden, President Donald Trump announced that he was bringing a “bigly hilarious man” to the White House to work as his new speechwriter.

“This man, Shane Gillis, was recently treated very unfairly by a group of people that is also very unfair to me,” Trump said, “the comedy nerds that work on Saturday Night Live. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal for them to use the truth and the words I say against me, but I know for a fact it should be illegal for them to not hire someone, just because he says utterly knee-slapping things about different races and sexual orientations.”

Gillis recently had his offer to join the cast of SNL rescinded. The very same day that NBC/Universal/Shinehardt announced that he was joining the cast of the long-running sketch comedy show, a reporter published a story that featured video clips of a podcast Mr. Gillis did with a friend. In the clips, Gillis uses racial slurs and epithets for homosexuals.

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After a few days of controversy, it was announced that Gillis would not be joining the show after all. Trump said that’s when he and White House senior racism advisor Stephen Miller held a meeting. Miller told Trump that he could use someone on the speechwriting team with “all the white stuff.”

“His jokes and my foreign policy. Tell me the difference,” Trump said during the ceremony. “It’s a no-friggin’ brainer! And if anyone knows about a lack of brains, it’s me, your favorite president. Seriously, by law. I just signed a law that says I have to be your favorite. No big whoop.”

While the administration is “super-duper happy” to have Gillis on board now, there were some discussions, Trump said, about whether he “goes far enough” to write speeches the president’s base will love. Ultimately, Trump said, the “proof is in the racist stereotype.”

“Frankly, some of us were concerned his jokes didn’t go far enough. I mean, I know of at least five or six good Oriental jokes he didn’t use. Made us question his dedication and whether he could really think outside the racist box. But, when we kept looking at his jokes and his racial slurs, realizing they were one in the same, we knew he’d fit right in.”

Apparently, there are some in Trump’s orbit that are worried Gillis might take their place in the presidential pecking order. Reportedly, both of Trump’s adult manchildren are afraid of being left out in the cold by the addition of Gillis to the administration.

“Donald Junior was very concerned that if he’s not the one feeding racist jokes to his dad, the president might not love him as much,” one source close to the president told us, “of course the president doesn’t love him that much as it is, though, so it’s kind of no big deal. Once Eric figures out how to dress himself, and he finds out about Gillis’ hiring, he might be offended too, but it’s tough to say.”

Gillis has said he hopes to “hit the ground running like a black.”

“Because you know, they have that third muscle and they’re naturally good at sports,” Gillis explained on a morning talk radio show today. “Which you can’t get mad at me about because it’s a positive racial stereotype, just like when I said the slant-eyes are good at math and the Heebidy-Deebity’s are good with money. So, sure, maybe I’m racist, but I’m positively racist, get it?”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

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