Saturday, September 18, 2021

Scientific Study Shows People Who Think the Election Was Stolen Have This One Thing In Common

A new study from the National Institute of Investigation, Inquiry, and Inquest has delivered some rather fascinating results. If they can be peer reviewed and independently corroborated, the new study’s results seem to indicate that 100% of Americans who believe the 2020 election was stolen from Donald Trump have one striking thing in common.

“They’re all dumb as fuck,” NIII’s spokesperson, Julia Bodulia told us during a Skype session this morning. “Like, take a bag of hammers, throw it into a cargo container full of potatoes, and cram it all up inside Lauren Boebert’s butthole, and that’s how fucking dumb these people are.”

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Bodulia reported that the NIII conducted their survey over the course of the last several months, calling and emailing thousands of participants. Ms. Bodulia indicated that her staff would scour social media posts, looking for people claiming that Donald Trump was the actual winner, and that Democrats had conspired to steal the election from him. With each response her team received, Bodulia said the “math became simply unavoidable.”

“Every single, solitary person who told us that they truly believe that Donald Trump is the rightful president, all turned out to be dumb as fuck,” Bodulia explained. “We’d ask them who won the election, and then ask them to explain Critical Race Theory, or tell us where the Constitution mandates we can’t have some social welfare programs. All of their answers would lead us down one path: their above-the-fold, all-caps stupidity.”

While Dr. Bodulia could not offer any concrete steps America can take in order to reverse course and put pro-MAGA citizens back on a pathway to intelligence, she did say that “things could correct themselves in a more Darwinian way.”

“I guess if they’re out there taking horse pills instead of getting COVID vaccines and attending super-spreader tractor pulls and NASCAR races,” Bodulia suggested, “some of these things could correct themselves in a more Darwinian way. Only time will tell.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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