SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — The battle for social media supremacy is heating up. During the past four years, increasingly conservative users of sites like Facebook and Twitter have grown more and more vocal about how they feel they are censored on the platforms. Despite not having any evidence to back those claims up, and despite data showing that on Facebook conservative news stories dominate, in the wake of President Donald Trump’s stinging defeat, conservative users have been exiting Facebook and Twitter and heading for Parler.
Today, it was announced that one of the most prominent groups conservative users of Facebook and Twitter decided to leave those apps for the upstart Parler, which is owned by right-wing conspiracy theorist, three-time failed congressional candidate, and disgraces Secret Service member, Dan Bongino. In an exclusive interview, we sat down with the leader of the group, known as Racist Rectal Warts, and asked him about why he is leading a mass exodus of users away from Facebook and Twitter, and toward Parler.
THE PASTICHE POST: Mr. Bannon, thank you for agreeing to sit down for this interview with us.
STEVE BANNON: No problem. You aren’t one of those outlets owned and run by, you know, Hanukkah lovers are you?
BANNON: Never mind. Never mind. Pleasure to be interviewed, of course. I love any chance I get to spew white nationalist invective.
TPP: Okay, well we won’t be talking about anything like that. So, instead, can you tell me why you and your fellow Racist Rectal Warts are leaving Facebook and Twitter? Is there something specific?
BANNON: Well, for starters we keep getting kicked off those sites. Apparently they don’t like it when I tell people they should be feel okay with the idea of murdering an American who votes for a Democrat. They don’t like it when I try to intimate that white people are more entitled to be Americans than non-whites. And if we live in a country where a private company can’t be forced to publish my hate speech, do we really have freedom anymore?
BANNON: I mean, look, we’re not welcome in polite society in general, and haven’t been for ages. We’re getting angrier and angrier about not being able to just say racist shit without being called racists for saying that racist shit. And social media is turning into another microcosm of society, so we need to set up places where we can be ourselves, take our hoods off, and relax.
TPP: We have seen that Parler also censors content, and seems to just be a conservative echo chamber. In what way does leaving for Parler foster the notion of an exchange of ideas?’
BANNON: You sound like a cuck. Are you a cuck?
BANNON: Anyway, the point isn’t that we want to actually exchange ideas! What a stupid thing to say. The point is that we need a safe space. We demand the safe spaces that we mock libtards for wanting, and we call them Fox News, Newsmax, OAN, and Stormfront. If we needed to establish a right-wing media market so liberals wouldn’t hurt our feelings so much, wouldn’t it make sense that we’d need a right-wing social media ecosystem too?
TPP: So, basically, you can’t really be openly racist on Facebook and Twitter and want a place where you can do that?
BANNON: Oh, no, we can be plenty racist on Twitter and Facebook. Just, well, read our tweets and posts. But I mean that we need our own social media space so we can whine and pretend to be the victims, when we’re really just being forced to face the consequences of a political movement that embraces inhumane, misanthropic apathy.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.