ROMERO, MICHIGAN — A group of about three hundred took to their local city council office in a small Michigan town, demanding that authorities allow them to begin congregating en masse, despite there being a full-blown zombie outbreak in the state. Michigan’s government issued an urgent stay-at-home order as soon as the first confirmed zombie infection in the Great Lakes State had been identified. For the duration of the orders, non-essential businesses like pubs, bars, barber shops, and nail salons were all forced to close to help flatten the rate of zombie infections.
“Clearly the zombie infestation ain’t as bad as they said it was gonna be, because only a few thousand zombies have shown up so far,” Jed Erickson, one of the protesters spotted at a local dive bar, told reporters on the scene. “And that’s what Liberate Romero is fighting to push back against. These doom-and-gloom predictions were wrong! Some tell me it’s because of all the social distancing we did, but that doesn’t FEEL correct to me, and I only believe what I feel to be factual.”
Another protester, 57 year old Karen Benson, told reporters she was protesting because she regularly colors her hair, but after two months of zombie quarantine, he roots are starting to show.
“Do we really live in America if our government can just enforce public health safety measures on us so tyrannically? That’s what I want to know anyway,” Benson explained. “Since when does my freedom to get a permanent and a dye job end just because there are undead hordes roaming the streets?”
Bill Dickerdolldildo, a dildo wielding clown and social media manager for a dumpster liner also described by morons as a “newspaper,” joined in the protests, and drove into the state from Washington, D.C. to do so. Dickerdollidildo explained that he thinks the people of Romero are being robbed of their constitutional freedoms. He wonders why “everyone is freaking out” when they can still socially distance themselves from any zombies they encounter while out and about.
“What I just don’t get is why the intelligentsia of certain elements in this country aren’t listening to their people,” Dickerdolldildo said. “If the citizens solemnly swear, pinkie promise if you will, to stay at least six feet away from all zombies, that should be more than enough to satisfy these draconian thugs who are brazenly trying to keep people alive.”
Susan McSkewdieux, a 62 year old grandmother and retired bookkeeper, says she joined the protest because of the economic impact of shutting down businesses during the zombie apocalypse.
“People’s livelihoods are being jeopardized the longer we keep businesses closed,” McSkewdieux worries. “I’ve heard some argue that if enough people become zombies, there won’t be any mortal customers for businesses to serve anyway, but I don’t know that we should take that risk.”
Susan’s fellow church member Harold Kinsey says to him the “equation is very simple.”
“The cure can’t be worse than the zombie bite,” Harold explained. “It’s just that easy. The equation is very simple. Whatever we do to fix this, it can’t be worse than a zombie biting into your flesh, ripping it away from your body, and you becoming a zombie yourself!”
Perhaps the most succinct and candid assessment of the situation was given to the press by 72 year old former marine Skip Schuster. Skip doesn’t think it’s “worth losing so much economic activity” to a zombie outbreak that could, at the worst projections, only create a zombie horde of less than 200,000 people. The math, Skip says, just doesn’t work out.
“They’re saying at worst we’ve got a 2% zombification rate. That means, for all you statist, globalist, socialist cucks, who can’t do math,” Skip angrily spat out, “that more than 98% of us won’t get zombified. Sure, we don’t know if it’ll be us, we don’t know if it’ll be our loved ones, but so what? Who cares? Capitalism’s gonna literally die and be buried in a shallow popper’s grave if we don’t get back out there and start congregating with each other.”
Romero’s mayor could not be reached for comment.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.