WHISTLING DICK, MONTANA — This weekend, President Joe Biden performed what most would call an act of heroism and bravery. While flying over Montana in Air Force One, performing one of his routine airborne state inspections, President Biden spotted a house fire, and asked the flight crew to put the plane down somewhere close to where he could get a better look at the inferno.
When Air Force One landed, and Biden deplaned, he was informed that the fire was the longest-burning in American history. Biden was also made aware at that time that the fire had been set by former President George W. Bush, but each subsequent president, Obama and McNugget, each played their part to keep it raging. Assessing the situation, Biden decided that the time, energy, money, and lives spent battling the blaze while simultaneously keeping it going in order to justify the efforts exerted, was more than enough.
“Joe grabbed control of one of the fire houses, and then directed his team to also do the same,” an eyewitness told us. “It wasn’t pretty, and in fact was pretty terrifying to watch, but when it was all said and done, the fire was out. It could’ve been put out perhaps more cleanly, or without so much chaos, but then again, three separate presidential administrations didn’t need need to keep it burning for twenty years, either.”
A snap poll has shown that roughly 85-95% of the American public agreed with Biden’s decision to put the fire out. However, pro-MAGA fire chief Skip Malloy, whose jurisdiction the housefire resided in, slammed Biden today, calling him a “tyrant” and labeling his choice to put the fire out as “far reaching, government interference.” Malloy indicated he’d be contacting his congressional representative to demand articles of impeachment be drafted over the incident.
“What in the holy living hell was Sleepy Joe thinking? That fire was put there for a reason,” Malloy said during a press conference. “Sure, it had burned a lot of people. Sure, it had cost billions of dollars over the course of two decades, and it needed to be put out. But, it just looked bad the way that it was done, even though we always knew it was never going to look good, know what I mean?”
In perhaps a bit of irony, former, one-term, twice forever impeached President Donald J. Trump — whom Malloy considers the best president of all time — signed an agreement with local officials to put the fire out, but never got around to it.
“But that was, like, much more differenter than this,” Malloy insisted. “Because reasons. And MAGA. And MAGA reasons. OKAY PRESS CONFERENCE OVER, NO QUESTIONS.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.