WASHINGTON, D.C. — Many Americans are under the impression, mistaken though it may be, that Joe Biden is the 46th President of the United States. However, thanks to an obscure loophole in the Constitution, it’s actually Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV) who is the real president.
Manchin and his Vice President Kyrsten Sinema of Arizona are the ones who actually get to decide what the American people get out of their congress. Even though the pair represent two states whose populations only work out to about 3% of the entire country’s population, due to Senate rules and the anti-democratic nature of the American system of government, Manchin and Sinema are now the de factor President and Vice President.
This week, President Manchin decided that the plebian class has gotten enough help from the federal government, and they simply don’t need a bump in the minimum wage. The minimum wage hasn’t changed significantly in decades, while inflation and other costs of living have continued to rise. Some economists have argued that the wage should be set even higher than the $15 threshold Democrats had been pushing for until President Manchin gave it an imperious thumbs-down.
“I just don’t think the poor people, of whom I represent a shit-ton,” Manchin, whose net worth is an estimated $7 million, told reporters today, “need or even deserve more help. They’re clearly doing well enough, financially speaking, to pay may salary, that I don’t even need, so why do we need to give poor people more? That seems silly sauce to me.”
Machin indicated, however, that he is “open to hearing ideas” that will move him toward agreeing to a bump in the minimum wage.
“Hey, show me what you got. I’m always open to hearing ideas about how to make my situation better, hint hint,” Manchin said with a wink. “Fluff up my bank account a bit more, and you might be quite happily surprised, poor people! Impress me!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.