Tuesday, April 13, 2021

Potato Head Tells Fox News They’ve Always Been Gender Fluid

In an interview on Fox News this morning, Potato Head confirmed for the anchors that they’ve always been gender fluid.

“It was the marketing people — the men on Madison Avenue — who thought I needed a name that specified my gender,” Potato Head said plainly, “but for the record, kids have always been able to move my parts around my body. That’s any part. They could put my arm where my dinkle would go, if I wasn’t a plastic toy potato.”

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Potato Head insisted that to them “gender’s never been a big deal,” and that even their wife, Mrs. Potato Head, never had any problem when a child would put his parts on her body, or vice versa.

“I thought this was, like, a really well-established thing, and not shocking,” Potato Head said. “I was marketed as a toy for fun, exploration, and imagination. So kids can make me a girl potato, a boy potato, or a potato with a nose in his crotch zone that looks like engorged clit maybe. But in two seconds you can rip all my parts off and make me something completely different, no big whoop.”

Potato Head said they’re aware that they may face a boycott from conservatives who are outraged at Hasbro for allowing them to go drop the “Mr.” and be who they’ve “always been this whole time.” They aren’t all that worried about it though. There is some “rather hilarious irony” to that happening, though, Potato Head admitted.

“If a plastic toy potato is canceled by the people who scream that cancel culture is ruining America because they confirm their gender fluidity that everyone who ever played with them already knew about,” Potato Head said with a smirk,” that would be some rather hilarious irony. I guess it’ll be Colin Kaepernick and commiserating together if that’s the case.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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