WASHINGTON, D.C. — In response to what can only described as an onslaught of new, strict anti-abortion regulations in a growing number of red states, officials with Planned Parenthood, the low-cost healthcare provider, announced a new policy for distribution of firearms to any woman who comes to a clinic seeking an abortion.
“We’re looking for a way to connect with conservatives on what our constitutional freedoms are,” Melissa Romer, Executive Regional Vice Media Contact at Planned Parenthood told one local newspaper this week. “We’re rolling something out this week that we think will resonate with conservatives on exactly that level.”
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In recent weeks, state legislatures in Ohio, Missouri, Georgia, and Alabama have passed new restrictions on abortion procedures performed in their state. The law in Alabama criminalizes abortion at any stage pregnancy without exceptions for rape or incest, which some analysts project will lead to an explosion in the Yellowhammer State’s population, given how many children of incest are already born annually in Alabama. Former Alabama Judge Roy Moore hails the law.
“This is a step in the right direction toward finally bringing America closer to God,” Moore told WKKK AM Talk Radio this week in an interview discussing the possibility of a Senate run next year, “by making Child Brides great again!”
Planned Parenthood decided to run a pilot program in a select number of their clinics in red states which have adopted the new abortion bans. The program would give no-cost guns and abortions to low-income women. The firearms given to women seeking abortions would be small, semi-automatic handguns, Planned Parenthood deputy executive media contact Cheryl Tillman told reporters, and they’d be engraved with various pro-feminist messages.
“We know many of the middle-aged, white males insist that we’re horrible, baby killing monsters,” Tillman said at a press conference held at Planned Parenthood’s D.C. headquarters, “so we thought that maybe we could give away guns with the abortions we provide. Our calculus is that maybe it would score us some points, since you know, providing low-cost or free healthcare services to poor people — like Jesus Christ did — isn’t good enough for them.”
Ms. Tillman says the ultimate motivation for her group giving out guns to abortion seekers is a “visual demonstration of how Constitutional rights work.”
“Who knows,” Tillman said, “maybe this program will help certain conservatives finally understand that both their guns and my vagina are constitutionally-protected from governmental overreach. But I won’t hold my breath, obviously, that pious, self-righteous, hypocritical Republicans will suddenly realize they are just as passionate about their guns as we are about our uteri but that in times like these, you do what you think might work.”
Reporters asked if Tillman is worried about contributing to the gun violence problem in America while making her own political point about abortion.
“We’re not worried about putting a bunch of guns on the street because as we’ve said over and over again,” Tillman explained, “abortion services make up roughly three percent of what we do here.”
Ms. Tillman argued that Planned Parenthood “really won’t be handing that many guns out,” but the organizations executives “also figured [its] detractors would rather we hand out guns than provide safe access to medical procedures that are completely legal, so, YOLO.”
Tillman says that this is just one of many new tactics her group is keeping in its back pocket. She said that more than forty years of anti-abortion rhetoric has had to keep her and her group on its toes.
“But if the guns and abortions program doesn’t get us some inroads with conservatives,” Tillman said, “we’ve even considered actually performing abortions with the firearms and claiming that the fetuses were all going to vote Democratic. That should seal the deal. They hate Democrats more than they have an ideological problem with female sexual autonomy.”
And it’s that lack of inroads Tillman says is the “most practical reason” for guns to be provided to women who get an abortion.
“Some folks defend their pro-life position to the death, which is definitely weird, but a pretty good reason to arm someone coming in here,” Tillman said.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.