Monday, January 17, 2022

Decades Ago, Doctors Already Figured Out How to Put a Human Heart in a Pig

This week, a modern medical marvel took place.

At the University of Maryland, doctors successfully transplanted a heart from a genetically modified pig into a human male with a terminal cardiac condition. While there is still much to be studied and learned from this procedure, it’s being called a true breakthrough, and the medical community seems extremely enthusiastic about what possibilities for further organ transplantation can be found.

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Miraculous as this story might seem, it’s not the first time that scientific research and medical technology has caused a nexus of humans, pigs, and hearts. It turns out, decades ago doctors were able to successfully take a human heart and shove it into a pig. The American Journals of Medical Shit record the procedure taking place in 1946, shortly after what is described as a “porcine, already very racist and stupid creature” was born to a human couple in Manhattan.

“Accounts at the time are that doctors who attended the birth were unsure what, exactly they were looking at. Was it a pig? Was it a human? Interestingly, some wondered if the racist, rich parents were lying and in fact the creature was the result of a klansman fucking a pig,” Dr. Benson Hornaydieux told reporters from the AJMS headquarters yesterday.

The creature was born with a weak heart and bone spurs. While doctors could not do anything about the spurs, they were able to come up with what, at the time, was a remarkably radical and revolutionary new procedure.

“They decided to take a human heart and put it in the pig, since the parents were so insistent their little crotch fruit was a human being anyway,” Hornaydieux explained.

Not much is known about the patient who, more than 70 years ago received a new lease on life from a human heart donor. What is known is that, astoundingly, the patient is still alive, and reportedly a “very bigly sore loser.”

“Obviously the one piece of the puzzle that’s missing to this day is giving the pig a brain,” Hornaydieux said. “Still, it’s plain to this day that as horrific and disgusting as Patient Zero clearly was and is, the doctors who kept that little pig-human life form alive performed a truly unprecedented and amazing feat.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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