WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-Randian Dystopia) announced that he would finish out his current term in the House of Representatives and then retire without seeking re-election. Ryan has served as Speaker since the departure of Republican John Boehner in 2015. Mr. Ryan told reporters this morning he no longer wanted his children to think of him as a “weekend dad,” and that he decided to step away from Congress to be more present in their lives.
As he was entering his office, Ryan was seen by reporters and asked if he had any concerns or worries about no longer being an elected official. Speaker Ryan said he was “mostly feeling stoked” about retiring, but he does have one issue gnawing at him.
“Well, to be totally honest with you, I am a little worried about my prospects in the sexual areas of my life, if you get my meaning,” Ryan admitted. “I’m truly a little worried if I’ll ever get laid again.”
Confused reporters asked Ryan if he had been given an ultimatum by his wife that she’d only sleep with him if he was a congressman. Speaker Ryan laughed and then made his pectoral muscles dance while he answered the question at the same time he curled a 30 pound free weight in his right arm.
“Bro, no way. My wife is a good, clean, conservative Republican woman. She knows her support is most needed in a quiet, in the kitchen kind of way, and she knows it’s her wifely duty to give me sexin’,” Ryan said. “But being a good, clean, Christian conservative Republican woman, she also understands sex is for procreation only, and when we have no intention of making a baby, I have to fuck someone else.”
Congressman Ryan said that some husbands might worry about being able to fill such a wide sexual gap, conceding that many men, himself included, have a preternatural urge for sex that is extremely hard to control.
“But luckily for me, I found a few hundred million people to fuck again and again in these past twenty years,” Ryan said. “I haven’t had to worry about getting laid since I started fucking the middle class, but that ride’s about to come to an end.”
Mr. Ryan said that fucking the middle class comes with “tons of perks.”
“First off, there’s the fat checks from the Koch brothers for my, um, you know, CAMPAIGN,” Ryan said with a wink while he dead lifted 300 pounds. “Second off, even though you’re fucking literally millions of people in their asses, you don’t get a single STD! I mean, it helps that the fucking and the asses are all metaphorical, but you get what I’m saying.”
Mr. Ryan said he plans to end his congressional career on a high note.
“Before I retire, I want to get National Ayn Rand Day signed into law,” Ryan said. “My vision for the day is that it’ll be the one time a year you can punch a homeless guy or smack medications out of poor people’s mouths with impunity. I think this is the president to finally make that cream dream of mine a reality.”