Tuesday, November 29, 2022

Paul Ryan Helps Woman Build Massive Money Bin So She Can Swim Around In Her Extra $1.50 Like Scrooge McDuck

GRASS VALLEY, PENNSYLVANIA — This morning, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) told reporters that he has been in contact with a woman in Pennsylvania, and he will be helping her build a giant money bin to house all the extra money she gets her in her paycheck since Ryan and his fellow Republicans shepherded their tax reform package into law.

When Helen Hinkleston was given the news by a staffer of Ryan’s, she says she was “elated” and “ecstatic.” Hinkleston is a public school office attendant, and she says she reached out to Ryan and thanked him for the increase she’s seen in her own paychecks this year. Ms. Hinkleston is a Trump supporter, and she says she is “bigly grateful” that “America finally has a businessman to run the economy.”

“And sure, he’s a businessman that’s run a few of his companies into the ground and filed bankruptcy,” Helen told us, “but you know, win some-lose some, as they say.”

Hinkleston says she called Speaker Ryan’s office last Friday when she noticed that her bi-weekly paychecks had shot up by roughly three dollars from previous paychecks. She says she ran the numbers, and figured out she’d be seeing “an astounding” $72 a year more in her bottom line because of that. She had to share the news with Ryan, she said, to give him the courage to “destroy the social safety net if he has to” as long as people like Hinkleston see more money in their paychecks.

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“The way I see it, a buck fifty a week extra is money the government isn’t stealing from me, so if it means hurting the poor for my extra buck fifty, I’m all for it,” Hinkleston said. “Sure, there are trillions of dollars stashed away from the IRS in offshore accounts in Panama and elsewhere, but why would we ask people with more money than God to help a tiny bit more when we can demonize the poor and obliterate the middle class instead?”

Speaker Ryan reached out to Helen after he received her correspondence. He told her he spoke to Charles and David Koch, and they agreed to help build Helen a money bin like the one featured in the Disney animated series “Duck Tales.” The purpose of the bin will be for Helen to accumulate all the extra money her paycheck in one place, and then she will be able to swim in it like Scrooge McDuck did on the show.

“You don’t know how rich you’ll feel when you’re nearly drowning in 14 bucks in quarters, dimes, and nickels, Helen,” Ryan wrote to her. “And in just two or three hundred short years you’ll have saved almost .03% of what companies like Exxon, and people like Donald Trump got in the tax package! So pull up those boot straps and start saving, Helen!”

Construction on Helen’s money bin should be finished by the end of the year, Ryan said.

You can read satire like this every day on The Political Garbage Chute and Alternative Facts.

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