Saturday, October 23, 2021

Palin Donates Half Her Brain to Boebert and Doubles Her Cognitive Capacity

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning and unforeseen development, former half-term Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin has donated half her brain to freshman Congresswoman Lauren Boebert (R-MAGAstan), in an “effort to double Rep. Boebert’s current cognitive capacity.” Reportedly, the surgery was a flying success.

“Last night, I worked with my incredible surgical team here at Robert E. Lee Memorial Hospital and successfully removed one half of the one-quarter of a brain that Sarah Palin has,” Dr. Benson Hornaydieux told reporters this morning. “I then gave that quarter brain to Ms. Boebert, and the results are, quite frankly, breathtaking.”

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Dr. Hornaydieux said that his team was able to perform the surgery in record time.

“Frankly, it’s not like we were doing any kind of heavy lifting. Brains don’t hold a ton of mass as it is,” Hornaydieux explained. “Sarah Palin’s brain is much lighter than even that. While none of us could be too sure just how much smarter Lauren would end up, we knew that the hard part of the surgery would not be physically moving Palin’s quarter-brain.”

A representative from Boebert’s office released a statement from the newly seated congresswoman, thanking Hornaydieux for his work, and promising to “devote these new brain cells to keeping America from dying of full-blown socialism.”

“I’m real happy to have these new brains, you betcha! Nothing will make me happier than telling that mom jeans wearing Barack Obama that his BFF Joe Biden doesn’t get to make us all commies,” Boebert wrote in a statement. “There’s no telling the amount of work I can pretend to get done with how strong my brain is now!”

Dr. Hornaydieux explained how his team was able to determine that the surgery was a success.

“Well, it’s quite simple, really. Before the surgery, the only word Ms. Boebert could spell was ‘Glock,'” Hornaydieux said. “However, after the surgery, we found her able to spell ‘gun’ as well, provided you gave her a head start of G-U, of course.”

Ms. Palin tweeted that she was “super duper golly garsh darned proud” to give Boebert part of her brain, and that she is “very much looking forward” to “all the gooder and more smarter things” Boebert does with it.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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