Florida Deems Rub-n-Tug Massage Parlors ‘Essential Businesses’

TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA — This week, the State of Florida labeled professional wrestling an “essential ...

Stupidfuck Training to Become Dumbfuck

MORON VALLEY, MINNESOTA — Marcus Palumbozo is a stupidfuck. He has all the certifications ...

Confused Health Guru Contracts COVID-19 Despite Using His Best Turmeric Chakra Cleanse

KARMA VALLEY, OREGON — 53-year-old self-described “health guru” Pat Kinnerson just got a confirmed, ...

Netflix Announces Tiger King Follow-Up: “Even More Assholes Treating Each Other Like Shit”

HOLLYWOO, CALIFORNIA — Building off its tremendous popularity, Netflix has announced that they have ...

CDC Says to Stop Licking Surfaces Clean Like Cats

ATLANTA, GEORGIA — Doctors at the Centers for Disease Control are strongly urging everyone ...

Man Issues Formal Apology to Every Woman He Couldn’t Bring to Orgasm

HIDDEN GORGE, CALIFORNIA — This week, fifteen women throughout the country received the same ...

Report: They’re Still Fighting Over the Fucking PS4 Controllers

LOS CHICOS LUCHANDO, ARIZONA — There are more than one PS4 controller in their ...