Saturday, September 18, 2021

NRA Reminds Americans They Don’t Give a Fuck How Many of Their Friends and Family Get Shot

For most of 2020, Americans were dealing with a global covid-19 pandemic outbreak, and as such the number of mass shootings in this country plummeted.

That doesn’t mean people weren’t shot and killed last year; just that the number of public, mass shooting events dropped. However, in the last week, two such deadly incidents — one in Atlanta and one Boulder — have served as a reminder to Americans that as their country opens back up from the pandemic, they will be going back into public, where there are more guns than people to own them, if you count every man, woman, and child living in the United States.

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For decades, the National Rifle Association has fought to keep gun regulations off the books, and has successfully killed a universal background check law in 2012 after the mass shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary in Connecticut. Perhaps no lobbying group has done more to ensure that the steady tide of firearms on the American streets continued to rise than the NRA. In the wake of most mass shootings, the NRA seems to go quiet for a couple days before releasing a statement showing vague concern for the victims, but also assertions that literally nothing can be done to stop gun violence, so Americans should instead just buy more guns to protect them from the other guns that other Americans bought to protect themselves from the guns that a third group bought while trying to protect themselves from a fourth group of people’s guns that were purchased in the wake of another mass shooting.

Today, however, the NRA released a statement that many on the Hill are calling the most earnest and upfront about the epidemic of gun violence in America that the gun lobbying group has ever published.

“As we do after every mass shooting event that happens in the United States,” the NRA’s statement reads, “we advocate for a strong sense of apathy and casual disregard for human life that allows you to cherish your gun more than your neighbor’s life. However, we’d also like to take this time to also remind you of something very important — we don’t give a fuck how many of your friends and family get shot. Like, ever.”

The NRA statement offers no solutions to the gun violence epidemic. It makes no suggestions for how people can make gun ownership safer. The statement does nothing other than “reaffirm the NRA’s foundational commitment to getting more Americans shot in service of gun manufacturer profits.”

“Honestly? Fuck your friends. Fuck your family. Fuck literally all of them, who cares,” the NRA statement asks rhetorically. “Guns go PEW! PEW! and are fun, you fucking libtarded pussies. And good luck taking our fun PEW PEWs away, jerks.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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