On August 13th, 2021, former President Donald Trump, who has never won the popular vote, had the lowest approval rating in history, and is the only man with the distinction of two impeachments in his single term, will be restored to power. At least, that’s the story according to MyPillow and MyCrackPipe CEO Mike Lindell, who hosted a pro-MAGA rally and book burning over the 4th of July Weekend.
“And let me just say this to all the un-American Commie Troll Haters out there who doubt me, and doubt that our glorious Forever President will be rightfully restored to his throne,” Lindell told a crowd in front of a Chick-Fil-A near his home on Sunday afternoon. “A man named Ben Gozzi — EVER HEARD OF HIM, LIBS?! — handed me a sheet of paper with all the evidence you need. Which I will show you once King God Emperor Trump is back in power. Mark your calendars for August 13th, folks!”
Since Trump’s election loss in November, and his failed insurrection attempt in January, Lindell has been one of the loudest and most vocal conspiracy theorists baselessly claiming Joe Biden stole the election. Lindell’s theories have landed him in enormous hot water, though. He’s being sued for hundreds of millions of dollars in a defamation and libel suit brought by one of the voting machine companies that Lindell claims was part of the conspiracy to defraud the election results.
Lindell has promised the American people to show them his evidence to back up his claims, but as of yet has not produced anything as such. When he told his audience over the weekend that August 13th is the date for Trump’s restoration of his presidential powers, it was a slight change from the past, when he said that it was the 43rd day of August that would see Trump ushered back into the Oval Office.
“MAGA patriots need to mark their calendars. August 43rd, our great forever president will be installed back onto his rightful place on the throne,” Lindell told Jack Posobiec, who was holding a ‘Rape Melania Again’ sign for stated reason. “And do you know what, Jack? He’ll be given the Oats of Office by none other than Sas-fucking-squatch! You heard me, folks, Sasquatch will have the honor of swearing Emperor God King President Trump back into office!”
Lindell snuck a hit from his crack pipe before continuing.
“The best part is that’s just the beginning! President Trump is going to ride the Loch Ness Monster through the sea of swirly, twirly gumdrops, and then get on a private space shuttle to the moon,” Lindell divulged, “and that’s where the ceremony will take place! Can you believe it! It’s where Tupac and JFK Jr have been hiding out this whole time, and they both agreed this is the perfect occasion to reveal there true whereabouts!” (Pastiche Post)
The Constitution does not have any provisions for returning a defeated president to power. Mr. Lindell promised, however, that Trump has “worked out a way around that.”
“It turns out, in this country, old, rich, white men get to have whatever they want, especially if their feelings are hurt,” Lindell said, “and I don’t think anyone’s feelings have ever been as hurt as Forever President Trump’s were hurt.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.