MEXICO CITY, MEXICO — In an email to Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, the country of Mexico has offered, officially, to pay “whatever price” the billionaire asks in order to keep former President Donald John Trump off its platform for good.
“Mr. Zuckerberg,” Mexico’s letter opens, “It has come to our attention that your Oversight Review Board has decided to uphold your permanent suspension of El Mierdo Naranjo’s Facebook and Instagram accounts. However, we also note that your review board has given you six months to review your policy, and that, may in fact, let El Pinche Chingador Quien Se Gusta Chingar Su Hija back on your website. While you are a private company and can, in fact, run your platform how you wish, we write now with an offer that we hope you’ll give due consideration to.”
The Mexican government has decided that it would authorize a payment to Facebook in exchange for making Trump’s exile from the site a lasting, permanent one.
“We will pay whatever price you ask, Mr. Zuckerberg. That’s how much the peace and well-being of our global community means to us,” Mexico writes, “and we know how much it means to you for your data mining operation to make more money. So we do believe quite strongly that this is a definite win-win scenario we are proposing.”
“You might find this utterly shocking, Mr. Zuckerberg, but the overwhelming, vast majority of human beings on the planet — the ones you use and abuse for your own profit — don’t really like Don Trump,” the Mexican government informed Facebook. “So there are quite a few billion people willing to chip-in for this truly worthy cause.”While Mexico is willing to foot the entire bill, they said that several countries have already been in contact with them and have offered to help establish some sort of international crowdfunding effort to increase the payment Facebook receives.
Facebook has yet to respond to Mexico’s offer.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.