WASHINGTON, D.C. — There are just seven days left on President Donald Trump’s tenure, and according to several sources with knowledge of the situation, his press secretary and top racism adviser are going to need every single one those days to empty all of the Chicken McNugget dipping sauces out the Resolute Desk’s drawers that have been haphazardly tossed in there over the last four years.
“Over the course of the last four years, there have been approximately six Happy Meals purchased for the president’s lunch each week, on average,” Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick announced today. “As you can imagine, that means there could be quite a lot of McNugget dipping sauces, especially because of the president’s executive order entitling him to extra dipping sauces for his nuggies anytime he asks for them.”
McDitzydick and Stephen Miller, White House Senior Racism Adviser, are the ones who have been assigned the job of actually removing the dipping sauces from the Resolute Desk. They estimate there’s enough sweet and sour sauce to fill an Olympic-sized pool. McDitzydick said she and Miller have been working “round the clock” to get all the dipping sauces out of the Oval Office, but that it could be months into the Biden administration before they’re all removed.
“President Trump doesn’t just dip his nuggies in the sauces,” McDitzydick explained, “he dips his balls in them as well, before having his First Lady remove the sauce with her tongue. Over the years, Ivanka has gotten incredibly good at licking every last centimeter of his genitals completely, squeaky clean.”
In addition to removing the McNugget dipping sauces, McDitzydick and Miller will be the ones to fumigate the Oval Office and take down all the sexy photos and paintings of First Lady Ivanka.
“It has been the honor of my life to serve this great man, and I guess in some small way, to serve this country, or whatever,” McDitzydick said, “and it is the utter height of that honor for me to scrub the Adderall residue of all the mirrors in this White House, and Stephen Miller told me last night that taking the rubber sheets off the bed in the Lincoln Bedroom is one of the highlights of his whole racist life!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.